speakinginpurple

I'm Ba-ack!

2010-11-17T21:20:00.003-06:00

I know its been a year since I have blogged, but I'm back anyway. My brilliant plan for catching up on posts? Not gonna do it. Please forgive my absence. So here I am speaking in purple....again.

Fashion Shoot

2009-10-26T20:23:00.007-05:00

With Halloween practically upon us, its time again for the kids to come up with costume ideas. Sadie came to me a few days ago, and announced her choice:

"I'm going as a Maude Model!"

Maude is a local boutique owned by our friend Becca. When Big D told Becca about Sadie's costume choice, Becca decided that as a Maude Model, Sadie should be dressed by her. This is the fabulousness that ensued:

We have a FABULOUS daughter.....and great friends!!!

To Those With The Heart of a Lyon.......

2009-08-22T22:47:00.006-05:00

I hope you guys are having a great time!!

These are the most recent pictures we have. I will send a better group of pictures soon.
Thank you for taking care of the person I need more than anyone else in this world. Please send him back now....I can't live without him.

Dirty Jokes

2009-08-04T10:05:00.005-05:00

This is from an email I received, it was so funny that I had to share it.

Handy Cleaning Tips

Dirt - Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs - Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them and call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair - Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests - If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting - If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning - Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."
As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean.... Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck, always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

I have to add my own personal cleaning tip. When guests arrive unexpectedly, and the dishes aren't done, stack them up in the oven, shut the door, and wipe down the cabinets!!!!

Shhhhhhh

2009-07-28T14:05:00.005-05:00

Sometimes we can ignore what God is saying to us. Other times the message is so obvious that there is no use in denying it.

Since the first week in June, I have been reading the Bible and journal praying four or five days a week. God has sustained me through one of the most trying times in my life, during these quiet meetings of drinking His word and pouring my heart.

Two or three weeks ago, I was reading in Proverbs and kept coming across passages like these:

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise.

Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.

A wise man's heart guides his mouth, and his lips promote instruction.

A man of knowledge uses words with restraint, and a man of understanding is even-tempered.

And my personal favorite

Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue.

This is what I've been reading.......and then I walk into church two weeks ago and my pastor has the nerve to talk about the spiritual discipline of......wait for it...........SILENCE.

I have turned these things over and over in my mind. Tried to escape them, without success, and finally landed on the inevitable.

GOD WANTS ME TO SHUT UP.

2009-07-06T09:46:00.002-05:00

"It is easier not to meet the eyes of beggers - lest you be required to respond."
-Ryan Jamal (or whomever he stole it from)

I've watched my parents selflessly respond for years.... so many of us don't make eye contact.... like me.

Father's Day

2009-06-22T09:02:00.009-05:00

There are three fathers in my life. I respect them all more than words can express.
First, my daddy, he is and always will be a man that I look up to and value. When I think of daddy the word that comes to mind is dependability. I, as well as my five siblings and their spouses and children, can depend on daddy. He has done what he thought was best, even when it flew in the face of the world around him. He accomplished things that seemed impossible for him, given his circumstances, and his life is an example of a person's ability to change their course, and choose what is right. His legacy is found in his grandchildren, most of whom have already professed their faith in Christ, and been baptized by their papaw.
Second, my father-in-law, Stan. My husband's love and genuine affection for his dad, are rarely found in grown men.
When I think of Stan, the word that comes to mind is commitment. I don't know that I have ever encountered someone who is more determined in his commitments. He is committed to his wife and to loving her fully and forever. He is committed to his children and to teaching them what it means to have integrity and choose what is right. His quiet strength is an example to all of us who complain and fight against the things that happen to us in life. I look up to this man, and I am proud that he is my children's grandfather. I hope and pray that his grandchildren will look to his example in the face of adversity and choose what is right, committing to it fully.
The father that means the most to me though, is this one. The one that is raising my children. The one who comes home every night and isn't afraid or unable to hug and kiss his kids. The father who prays with my children. The father who takes the time to explain to our twelve year old the reason behind his decisions and why they are teaching her things she will need to know about life when she's grown, and working, and living on her own. The father who admires his son, and wishes he could be just like him, and tries to find the balance between spurring his son on and pulling him back. The father who saves the silly voicemail messages sent by his baby girl, and plays them over and over again, because he thinks she is so wonderful. This man shows both dependability and commitment, integrity, and endurance. Strength and courage in the face of adversity, patience, kindness and mercy. His legacy will be lived out in the lives of his children and I will forever be grateful to my heavenly Father for putting this father in my life.

Speaking The Truth

2009-06-19T09:29:00.005-05:00

I was driving down the road recently when my oldest child told me about a conversation she had been involved in with two friends. The girls were talking about church and, being near-teenagers, the topic became what they wear to church. The two friends shared what they like to wear, and when it was my daughter's turn, she told them her basketball sweats were her favorite church outfit. The two friends shared a knowing look, and then one of them asked my daughter "Do you go to one of those feel good churches?"

At this point I became very quiet, trying to decide on a good explanation of what they meant by that and what I think about it. However, before I could respond my son piped up and said "Yeah, it does feel good!"

My son is someone I often think is not listening. He tends to live in his own world and cares more about the next episode of Star Wars the Clone Wars, than what is going on in the room. I'm wrong. The truth is, he does know what is going on, and probably better than most of us. Because he cuts out the bullsh*! and just says exactly what he thinks and feels. While I was trying to come up with an explanation that both defined the term "feel good church" and, with political correctness, explained why some people feel this is a bad thing, and what the correct term for our church is and why we feel that way..........my son just told the truth. Yeah, it does feel good, and he's not ashamed of it, nor does he care what the term really meant or what anyone else thinks about it or why. Hmmmm. What if I did that?

The Rest of My Mexico Pictures

2009-06-15T14:25:00.002-05:00

"Reality is a hallucination brought on by a lack of alcohol." -unknown (no I don't mean me)

2009-06-10T08:45:00.005-05:00

This morning I woke up (actually that is a lie, in order to wake up, one must first sleep, and I didn't do either). So, this morning I gave up, and got out of bed around 5:00. After seeing hubby off, I put on a pot of coffee, and looked out the back door, discovering that the dogs (see unpleasantly large animals pictured on left) were gone. Chewy (the one I'm not supposed to own on the top left) was the obvious culprit. I say this with complete confidence, because Cleo (the one that's supposed to be clean and indoors on the bottom left) sneaks out like a teenage girl. She goes out a hole under the back fence, that she assumes we don't know about. If she thinks we might be looking outside she won't acknowledge the hole exists.....she won't even acknowledge the fence exists! She's good. Chewy on the other hand sneaks out like a teenage boy. He wedges his nose into the largest, most obvious gate in the yard, pries it open, knocking over cinder blocks, and leaves it wide open, so that he can saunter back in when he feels like it.
They were gone. And I didn't want to go looking. A few minutes later a loud banging noise compels me to return to the back door, this time I discover that two robins have flown into my french doors, and committed suicide.....at the same time. (I don't know if this was a Romeo and Juliet kind of thing, or if they were just stupid.) Problem is, they did a lousy job of killing themselves and so flailed around, bleeding on the back deck for several minutes. At this point I decided that coffee would help, so I poured some, and thought about doing something productive....but before I could even sip the coffee, the dogs came wandering back into the backyard and Chewy (remember the one I'm not supposed to own) was soaking wet. Picturing the carnage that would ensue if the dogs got to the now (hopefully) dead birds, I panicked and ran to grab shoes and shovel, and threw the bird (that's right one bird, but I'm choosing not to think about that) over the fence. As I went to grab the hose to clean the blood off the deck, Chewy (still not supposed to own him) brushes up next to me, and I realize that he is soaking wet because even a dog knows he should bathe after being sprayed by a skunk.

Short story long, I washed the bird guts off the deck, ignored the giant, stinky dogs, closed the fence, and replaced the cinder blocks, went inside, washed my hands, and finally drank some coffee. It was almost 7:15.......a.m.

Not sure why I posted this riveting tale of my wonderful morning, other than just to see it all typed out.

No! I Don't Have Swine Flu...I Think.

2009-06-09T11:39:00.010-05:00

Yes, I have been very sick. No! Its not the swine flu! Every well wisher that has called me over the last few days has eventually gotten around to asking...... 'well..... is anyone else from your trip sick?', or, 'when did you get back from Mexico again?', or, my favorite, the more direct approach, 'do you think you have swine flu?' The truth is no, I don't have swine flu....I think.

Since I can stand up and walk today, without pain or fear of fainting, I googled symptoms of swine flue, there are only 52 billion or so options for this, so I picked the three most official looking options...... on the first page :-)

The reason I say with confidence No! I don't have swine flu!, is that every list I checked called swine flu a respiratory illness. I have not had a single respiratory symptom. The reason I add, I think, is that it also adds on every list that sometimes it involves vomiting. I have felt like sh*! and had the beformentioned vomiting. But, I'm much better so no harm done either way. I'm still dizzy, but I think that will go away.

Sorry for the Mexico pictures without any labels. Those pictures were just some of my favorites out of hundreds! We had the time of our lives, our precious friends wed, and Derek and I had our second honeymoon! We have all been trying to come up with reasons to go back next year! I can't begin to explain the beauty of Puerto Aventuras or the spoiling we received from the resort where we stayed, but it was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I will forever be in debt to our friends for making that trip possible and necessary for us. They will never know what it did for our relationship.

So long story short, we loved it, we're back, we'll go again, and No! I don't have swine flue...I think.......

(Sorry for the small font, I don't know how to undo it!)

2009-06-01T16:38:00.002-05:00

Kaleidoscope

2009-04-19T10:45:00.006-05:00

I've never liked kaleidoscopes. They hurt my eyes. The chaos makes me uncomfortable. Looking at them makes me feel physically tired.

Somehow, I've begun to feel like I have a lot in common with a kaleidoscope.

There are so many parts.....just like life.

All the parts don't always make sense by themselves. Black, green, purple, blue, orange.....

Work, problems, kids, marriage, church, friends, self...........

But they com together and make something that, despite my discomfort, is beautiful.

In the recent past, I spent at least a year in what I finally labeled a "mini identity crisis". After years of submerging myself in raising three young children, they were all in school. I had started a career, and had to end it. Martha Stewart housewife, definitely not my thing......I couldn't figure out what to do with myself..........

Then slowly, like the turning of a kaleidoscope, the picture began to change. I found a new job, one that allowed me to work within the field I am passionate about, as well as be with my children when they were home. I re involved myself in the kids' activities, under new labels, "cheer sponsor", "chauffeur", "counselor". The years I had spent investing in the development of my son took on a new dimension. My wonderful husband and I started relating in a new and even more wonderful way....... Oh yeah, and I remembered myself, not in the dark, self-involved, whats wrong with me way I had been, but just somehow, casually, bumped into myself along the road.

Oh....I remember you......didn't we know each other once?

What happened?

I'm not really sure. Yesterday I took a day off, a real one. I sat in a chair, watched Law and Order marathons mixed in with Paranormal State, and realized that I. Was. So. Tired. A good tired. The kind of tired that comes when you've been going hard and stop to catch your breath, and know that you will start right back up where you left off.

Not to0 long ago, I blogged about the difficult circumstances that we have been experiencing. That is the craziest part, life hasn't gotten any easier. I've just somehow come to terms with living it again.......

.....and even though it hurts my eyes, and the chaos makes me tired.....just like the kaleidoscope....

it is so beautiful.

Cancer

2009-03-20T11:15:00.004-05:00

This woman......

is fighting cancer......

She WILL win.

Fight on friend!

Here It Is

2009-03-20T11:05:00.005-05:00

These are what I ended up ordering today in the actual colors shown. They are all from Newport News, I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

What Do You Think?

2009-03-18T10:25:00.009-05:00

These are the swimsuits I'm thinking of ordering. I want your opinions. Be brutally honest.
Also the white one will be espresso brown, the purple will be black and the burgundy will be purple. Hope that's clear as mud!

......and yes, I know wearing the swimsuit won't make me look like the models do :)

Also, I'm thinking something like this for the actual wedding...

Spring Break...And Other Ramblings

2009-03-16T10:27:00.002-05:00

The first official day of Spring Break and I don't have a single thing to feed the masses for breakfast, fearing a peasant uprising, I did the only thing that a sane person could do........I went to McDonald's!

that last picture would be my 12 year-old texting during breakfast....because I finally gave in.

Mexico update:
I have officially begun to panic (those of you who know me well are not surprised). While very excited about my upcoming tropical vacation, there is a slight problem. I don't wear anything that shows my arms or legs.....ever. I haven't worn a bathing suit outside of my mother-in-law's back yard in the last 5 years. Last, but certainly not least, I am a shade of white that could be used for reflective purposes during nighttime activities! I have eight weeks to pull myself together. That could happen.....right?

Spring

2009-03-14T22:25:00.007-05:00

It is Spring Break!!!!! My children and I are more than ready for a week of relaxation and slowing down. When we go back to school it will be time for cheer try-outs and softball season.

....and when May rolls around Big D and I are heading to Playa Del Carmen for a seven-day holiday with beaches and umbrella drinks (thanks to the upcoming wedding of our friends.)!!!!
WE ARE SOOOOOO READY FOR A VACATION! COME ON SPRING!

Now shut-up Cassie :)

Bad Mom Award

2009-03-09T08:59:00.002-05:00

I deserve an award. A big. Fat. Award. For the worst mom EVER. I noticed, while helping my son get ready for church yesterday, that his shoes looked like they were stretched over his feet. I felt for his toe and found it, almost poking through the end of his shoe. Reaching back in time, I tried desperately to find a memory of buying his last pair of shoes. Found it. Before Disney World......a year ago. We bought him new shoes yesterday afternoon. He chose them.

Sign me up for worst mom of the year.

Please Forgive Me

2009-03-08T21:36:00.003-05:00

I just re-read my last post and, quite frankly, it's a mess. Grammatically and otherwise. So, please forgive me and I will try to do better. More pictures of my kids are coming soon, I promise!

What's My Deal?

2009-03-07T08:50:00.008-06:00

Okay. So, what's my deal? Why haven't I blogged since before Thanksgiving....and its March. I haven't been sure as to why. I've tried on several occasions to sit down and blog, and just could not do it. Why? Here is my theory.

Sometimes what is going on in life is to big to blog about, but also to big to ignore. So to blog about it is too overwhelming and to blog about anything else is heartless and cold. Is that clear as mud or what? That is my big philosophical conclusion. What does it mean? Not sure. But, I have decided to just blog about what has really been going on.

December, work is crazy, kids are crazy, life is crazy, I usually love it. Except this year my best friend for many, many crazy years, was having health problems. She went in for surgery on diverticulitis (no big deal, right?) Her husband called me crying when she was out of her surgery, it was colon cancer, at 32, with 3 young children. She spent Christmas in the hospital, and every time we talked it seemed like the news got worse. Level 2 to level 4, chemo every other week, to chemo, plus at home chemo every other week, and on and on and on. She's on treatment now, its going reasonably well. I love her, she's one of the strongest women I know.

Early February, love is in the air right? Father-in-law goes into the emergency room with chest pains. He's in great shape, active healthy, not over weight, doesn't smoke, it is bound to be nothing. The hospital hooks him up to an EKG-nothing, good news, but he can't pass a stress test. The heart cath shows 99% blockage in his front artery....he's a heart attack waiting to happen. The next day he has emergency bypass surgery. He is recovering beautifully. Praise God. He is an amazing man, and one of my heroes.

Late February, my beautiful 7 year old begins crossing her left eye into her nose involuntarily, it's nothing (this is what I keep telling myself) except it increases in frequency until one Saturday she is doing it up to 20-30 times per hour. The following Monday she sees her pediatrician, he orders a CT scan for that afternoon, as well as an EEG and an in depth opthomology appointment to be completed within a week. The CT scan is clear and the wait begins. As a mother all I can think is brain tumor, seizures, and every other scary term I've ever heard. I have to numb myself in order to breath in and out. My baby handles it all like the bravest of warriors. She doesn't cry during the CT Scan, acts like an adult during the EEG, and doesn't flinch for the opthomologist. I thought she wasn't even that worried, until the afternoon that I told her we were sure it was nothing, and that we were going to quit the tests. She laid her little seven year old hand over her heart and took a relieved breath. She had been terrified. Her eye has quit crossing in and the general consensus is that it was either a muscle tick or a virus that had settled in her eye.

Believe it or not in sharing what I have, many things have been left out. It has literally been 3 months of constant emotional chaos. God had been a life preserver we've held onto for dear life........

So that's it. That is why I haven't blogged and why I'm trying again. Hopefully I will do better in months to come.

Beautiful Girl

2008-11-26T09:49:00.001-06:00

This beautiful young woman is growing up faster than I could have imagined possible....sigh.

Update

2008-11-16T16:48:00.009-06:00

Once upon a time, on a crisp October day this boy:

Married this girl:

And on October 28th we celebrated 13 years, a lot of joy, also some trials and an suv full of kids! Yeehaw!

On October 31st these ghouls celebrated Halloween:

We had a blast!

On November 1st my husband celebrated his 33rd birthday and my daughter (whose 11) went on her first hunting trip....and after dressing out the deer had to run in, shower, and get ready to cheer for the last football game of the season (she is so well rounded!)

And believe it or not I am leaving tons of activities out. Needless to say it is a busy time of year. Next up, the Holidays!!!

Tag, I Guess I'm It!

2008-11-13T16:45:00.006-06:00

Jae tagged me, so here are 6 totally random things about me.

When I was young (but not young enough to justify it) I told everyone that I could speak spanish and play the violin. I even got myself signed up for a fairly serious talent competition in which I was to play the violin (which I could not even sort-of play) until my big sister, who could play the violin, told on me, THANK GOD!

We had a dog when I was little named Mississippi Mud who would split open and eat our watermelons which we were somehow growing in our back yard in the middle of a neighborhood (because we weren't weird enough).

When I was a teenager I had two poems published, one in a local newsletter of some sort and one in a poetry book (which was probably a gimmic, but I didn't care.)

I started college two weeks after I turned 16.... but before you get too impressed, I then fell in love and quit after two semestars... and would do it again..... because I'm still in love.

As a child I really believed I would be a dancer.

When I was 15, I was the co-host of a talk show on the local free channel. It was not for teenagers, but rather discussed deep topics relating to living as a conservative in the present time....I now disagree with many of my then opinions. Oh, and I didn't look 15 not by a long shot, and we never told anyone I was, so hopefully the fact that it was on the free, public access channel kept anyone from listening to me.

I tag cassie

My Trip To Holland

2008-10-15T16:20:00.006-05:00

I just finished a paraprofessionals workshop. Sometimes things related to my current job hit a little too close to home.....

This story is one of those things, but instead of being saddened by it, I appreciated the way it verbalizes something I've never been able to. My personal experience with autism.

Welcome to Holland

When you're going to have a baby, it's like you're planning a vacation to Italy. You're all excited. You get a whole bunch of guidebooks, you learn a few phrases in Italian so you can get around, and then it comes time to pack your bags and head for the airport-for Italy.

Only when you land, the stewardess says, "Welcome to Holland." You look at one another in disbelief and shock, saying, "Holland? What are you talking about? I signed up for Italy!"

But they explain there's been a change of plans, and there you must stay. "But I don't know anything about Holland! I don't want to stay!", you say.

But you do stay. You go out and buy some new guidebooks, you learn some new phrases and you meet people you never knew existed. The important thing is that you are not in Italy or some filthy, plague-infested slum full of pestilence and famine. You are simply in a different place than you had planned. It's slower paced than Italy, but after you've been there a little while and have had a chance to catch your breath, you begin to discover Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland has Rembrandts.

But everyone else you know is busy coming and going from Italy. They're all bragging about what a great time they had there and for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's what I had planned." The pain of that will never, ever go away.

You have to accept that pain because the loss of that dream the loss of that plan, is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

I don't know who wrote that story but I appreciate it.

I've always talked (and blogged) about so many things unabashedly, but for some reason my personal experience with Autism and I mean my really personal experience, the one that happened inside me, has been tucked away in a corner of my mind somewhere and I rarely, if ever, access it. In fact just saying these words fills me with fear. Fear that I will present my feelings incorrectly, fear that my son will read these words someday and think that I resent him, fear that talking about it will make me feel it again. But I think maybe I need to talk about it, to pull the feelings out of the corner and examine them, deal with them, and, most importantly, let others benefit from them. So this story opened the door. It reminded me of the grief that I experienced (when I allowed myself). The nights that I knelt all alone at the foot of his bed while he slept, my fist against my chest, begging God to take it away from him. The knowledge that it wouldn't be taken away, and the overwhelming despair I felt looking down the road I knew we would travel down. There were fears that I never spoke aloud, like fearing he would never speak at all, and that I would never know what he felt or if he was really happy or okay. And the fear that even now, with my son so happy and well-adjusted, that I experience anytime he even has a sort-of bad day. It can be paralyzing. Wondering if we are going backwards, if he will pull out of it. He always does........ but the fear remains.

So for all that I can say that I have learned to enjoy Holland, my son is my windmill, he is my Rembrandt, and I would not trade him for anything. But I also want those in the same situation to understand that the pain is real and okay to feel. A woman I love and respect (who has two severely autistic children) told me once, "You have to soldier on... but every soldier drops their sword sometimes."

My story is a happy one. My son is doing the best he has ever done, exsquisitly is the word I want to use, and maybe it is time to air out my fears and hand my son back to the God I know created him.

Mr. Cool

2008-09-22T21:00:00.005-05:00

This guy

may be my favorite all time Television character. The writers for his dialogue must be brilliant. Not only do they come up with hysterical commentary to be spoken between him and his friends, they also completely nail the super genius, quirky, anti-social, but somehow adorable personality of someone with Asberger's Syndrome. I watch him every Monday night on The Big Bang Theory, and laugh until I cry. No, I am not laughing at him, I am laughing with him and every other person who doesn't quite "fit" into the social categories of our world, but instead beautifully creates their own.

Living The Life

2008-09-08T16:52:00.004-05:00

I have generally considered myself to be the antonym of organization, although going back to work full time has inspired me to improve. Nothing inspires change quite like absolute necessity. But I have a problem, when the rest of life gets busy, hectic, frankly insane, I slowly shed all the other parts of life that probably still need to be priorities like prayer, scripture, being nice, smiling.... you know little things, choosing instead to completely embrace a robotic existence of shower, coffee, kids, work, dinner, clean, sleep, rinse repeat. This has not proven to be the most positive of changes. I'm getting more done, however, I'm a bitch.

I had literally just sat down to check some emails and scream this post into existence. (Anyone who reads my blog knows that sometimes its where I just air it all out!) When an email from my sister-in-law caught my eye. She forwarded me the post from a man whose sister has an autistic son. It was a beautifully written reminder that life and servanthood are a gift from God, and that the things we do for others and how we handle life, stress and obstacles teaches everyone around us something (I did mention something about being a bitch right?) I constantly tell my kids to have a happy heart, why in the world would they? I don't. I am teaching them to survive life, not live it.

I have faced harder things than my current state of busyness and exaustion, and I did it with much more grace and faith. God is telling me to get a grip and smile. To leave the dishes and hug my kids and to remember that my life is a lesson to those around me but I have to choose what they are being taught.

The Great Election

2008-08-30T20:46:00.003-05:00

To be honest, about this time each election year I start to loathe the very thought of presidential anything. Sickened by the mudslinging, and greasy politics, I shirk into political denial giving some lip-service to the candidate of my choice, but mostly hoping that somehow time will speed up and the process will end.

But not this time. While I am not ready to commit 100% to a candidate, for the first time I can remember, I AM EXCITED! This election is groundbreaking, and I can't wait to see the outcome. No matter what the outcome, America is headed for change. The kind of changes that our parents thought unlikely and our grandparents considered unthinkable. I also believe that both candidates, while obviously having different points of view, see the need for a new kind of president and will try to offer that to us.

No matter what happens I intend to wake my children up the day after the election and say, "Guess what? For the first time in the history of America a _________ was elected to the white house, and you are seeing it first hand. You should be proud of your country today."

I can't wait.

Identity Crisis

2008-08-24T15:03:00.003-05:00

I'm having an identity crisis....with my blog. I cannot decide what I want it to look like, and I don't have any more time to think about it!

2008-08-22T21:08:00.002-05:00

I made it through my first week back at work. The kids made it through their first week back at school (note my complete lack of pictures). The week was very enjoyable. The kids in my class have already touched my heart..... and I am exhausted! But in a good way! (Although I did have two very large beers a few minutes ago.)

The best part of my week has been giving my own kids quick hugs at the water fountain... or a high five in the hallway. They really seemed to make it through their week without the usual midweek meltdowns.

Did I mention that I'm exhausted? 5:00 a.m. sucks, all you morning people have issues... and coffee is my best friend. Amen.

My oldest performed with her cheerleading squad at the Football kickoff this week... and can I just say SHE ROCKS!

My middle started his school therapy and getting some extra help a few times a day and for the first time seems to be responding to school... and telling us about his day. I can't believe the changes I've seen in him just in the last few days!

My baby is so happy about her class and loves her teacher, and has spent her week giving aid to a blind girl in her class. I watched her stand in line at the restrooms letting this little girl feel her hair and face and shoulders and then lead her into the restrooms....I almost cried. Proud doesn't even begin to cover it!

So the week is over. I going to sleep in tomorrow... right after one more beer!

WOW!

2008-08-17T13:55:00.002-05:00

I can not believe how proud I am of someone I don't even know. I have yelled and cheered and almost cried in honor of this young man.

He has proven that hard work and determination can rule the day!

My New Look

2008-08-13T10:20:00.003-05:00

Inspired by others (Jae and A), I acquired a new look for my blog. It was either change my blog or change my hair.......

My hubby will be so happy with my choice.

2008-08-12T13:33:00.002-05:00

Do you remember this commercial?

The unbearably hot days of August (which we have gotten a brief reprieve from), mixed with arguing children, has completely prepared me for the first day of school. I have really enjoyed the summer and had fun with the kids, but it is time for the structure of the school year. (Please revert me to this post when I begin bitching about my overly busy life).

We have bought the supplies,

and will attend open houses this week.

There is one big difference this year from last....I will be going with them. I have been given the opportunity to work full time for the school system as a Teacher's Aid in the self-contained special education room. Nerves, excitement (okay, a little sadness at the thought of summer vacation with the kids being over)....Its all making me a little nutty, but it's time and we are ready, BRING IT ON!

Burn Baby Burn

2008-07-28T13:11:00.002-05:00

A fever has been burning its way through my happy home. Last Wednesday afternoon my youngest came to me glassy eyed and flushed and proclaimed "I don't feel good". What followed was two days of utter misery for her as the fever raged and did not respond to medicine. My good friend Ness, had been dealing with the same plague at her house so I was pretty sure it was viral. Then, just as quick as it came it left. Baby girl was a little tired and weak, but not for long and is now 100%. So, as always happens in multiple child homes, my son came to me glassy eyed and flushed and made the proclamation "I don't feel good" and well, you know the rest. He is so sweet when he is sick, telling me over and over again, how much he loves me and how much he loves his family. It makes it 5 times more pitiful. Thankfully he is responding to the fever medicine. My oldest is in cheer camp every afternoon this week and really can't afford to miss it because football season is just around the corner. So hopefully she will stay well.

I'm posting all of this in my usual attempt to maintain sanity, and have discovered that when illness slows our crazy life down, I have way too much time to think. Trust me, I wouldn't even know how to begin to post about whats been going on inside this head of mine, but my hubby did (very lovingly) suggest counseling at one point. I will however, forgo counseling for at least one more week because book club is on Wednesday and we like to follow up with margarita's and girl talk. That should take care of it.

I woke up this morning not feeling well, but am willing myself to be well (wonder how that will work out?)

Slippin' and Slidin'

2008-07-23T10:34:00.008-05:00

For my baby girl's 7th birthday my husband (the genius) built a 30 foot slip and slide in our back yard. I was slightly afraid that little girls could be injured on such a magnificent contraption, but after some convincing, I conceded to its use. It proved a wonderful invention and resulted in hours of fun.

Not to be outdone by mere minors my husband and my (uh-hem) pastor decided to try it out for themselves......at this point it got much more interesting......

The stunts escalated until they landed on the "who could get the farthest going down the slip and slide standing up" portion of the games..... the word jackass comes to mind. However they both eagerly began. My husband (who suffers from chronic back and knee pain) didn't make it far, slipped, but managed to come away virtually unscathed. My pastor didn't fare so well.......

..........this is him, trying to recover from a slight concussion. Your welcome Robb.

Disturbing Discovery

2008-07-15T12:40:00.002-05:00

For anyone who doesn't know, I am young. Not at all old. However, yesterday I discovered something that disturbed me. Apparently creases in the face are not solely age related but also life-related.

I have two (yes two) deep and not at all symmetrical, lines between my eyes that have made me look like I am perpetually angry. Or deep in thought. so apparently having kids has not only caused me to have stretch marks in places best left unmentioned, but also has left its mark on my face. I say my children because other people of my young age don't have these lines, in fact some of their faces look positively untouched by life.... which I don't want. I want smile lines, and laugh lines and the lines that make it apparent to all that your life has been full and well-lived. I just don't want anger lines, or any lines right now! I realize that this post is completely self-indulgent, but something about looking in that rear view mirror and wondering why
I'm upset, only to remember that I'm not at all upset, really unnerved me. If this is where I am at this young age, where will I be when these lines are actually supposed to appear?

All of this is simply to say that I may be young, but life has left its mark on me.... namely by walking across my face.

Emma Lynn

2008-07-05T16:59:00.002-05:00

Introducing my newest niece.... Emma Lynn. She is the cutest little thing I've seen since my own.

There something very odd about my baby brother having a baby. She came into the world via her mama Jada, on June 3rd.

Margaritaville

2008-07-03T09:22:00.008-05:00

CONFESSION:

Having a margarita on the rocks and a friend to spill my guts to every now and then, keeps me out of therapy.

The Mountains of Montana

2008-07-01T18:45:00.006-05:00

Derek and I went to Montana.... alone..... for six whole days! Ok, it was under the guise of a wedding Derek was in, but it still counts, and we had a great time.

The scenery was beautiful and we encountered snow, a couple of feet of it..... in June! We called the kids and they couldn't believe it, so we took pictures.

We had a wonderful time at the wedding and Derek's long time friend Josh married his sweetheart, Dawn. Derek provided entertainment.

Isn't he hot in a tux! We had a great time, but were very eager to get home to the kids, who met us at the door with snacks and drinks and a "welcome home party". We might take a trip alone again sometime.....years from now.

Shackin' Up

2008-06-26T21:47:00.005-05:00

I read The Shack..... in 2 days. It is one of those books you walk away from without really walking away...ever. This book takes your image of God and shakes it up in a wonderful way. It makes you cry and question, and once, slam the book shut and slide it across the floor. It reminds you, or it reminded me anyway, that most of what we do with religion has very little, if anything, to do with God. God is about relationships that was the whole point of Jesus.

Disney World!!!!!!

2008-06-24T11:33:00.003-05:00

I know this post is way overdue. I have not exactly known how to post about our vacation to Disney World.... or how to sift through 600 pictures. It was truly the most amazing experience of my life, and even though it would have been fun to go as a kid, there was something so amazing about sharing the experience for the first time with my own kids. Every experience for me while we were there was like experiencing one of my senses for the first time. My children spent eight days seeing and experiencing things that I have waited a lifetime to see and experience. They met the characters from their fantasies, and felt the "magic" that is Disney World in such a fresh and innocent way. It was the stuff dreams are made of and I am so grateful that my family was able to go and have this time together. The pictures I've chosen don't even begin to show you the things we saw. The countries we were able to visit, the smells, sights, sounds and feelings.... but they do show you the joy that is written all over our faces as we encountered these things. The memories we made will be cherished for a lifetime.

A Word about Fathers

2008-06-17T12:12:00.007-05:00

First I have to confess that this is a result of reading a highly moving post about a dad this morning. It reminded me of so many things that I appreciate about my father, that I finally decided that it would be ridiculous not to post about it.

My father was born into extreme poverty in South Arkansas in 1947. It is hard to convey the level of simplicity his life held without conjuring up mental pictures crossing somewhere between Old Yeller and Little House on the Prairie. My father's father was born in 1886 (that is not a typo) and had already raised a family and buried his first wife when my father was born. (I am now going to revert to calling him Daddy, because that is what I really call him and it feels too strange to call him father.) The home daddy was born into was a 2-room house with no running water or electricity. His mom cooked on an old cook stove, and his dad plowed with a mule drawn plow. Somewhere in his middle years he and his mom moved to town and his father passed away. Daddy continued the rest of his childhood in relative poverty in South Arkansas and was churched in the Southern Baptist tradition (I'm pretty sure those are the only churches in South Arkansas.) Although my Grandmother was a wonderful person who loved her son dearly, Daddy, for all practical purposes, raised himself through his teenage years.

This seems like the beginning of a sad story but really it is one of amazing determination and strength of character. Because somehow, against all odds and statistics, my daddy rose up, not only finishing high school in a time when many did not, but going to college, and then law school. He somehow completely rose above the circumstances of his childhood and strove for a future.

Something else happened that began a very important part of my daddy's life during this time..... he walked away from God, and claimed instead to be an atheist.

Daddy began a promising career as an attorney, becoming the Public Defender of his city, and running in the right circles. I am told that during this period of time he wore a large leather cowboy hat and smoked giant, fat cigars (I have not found any photographic evidence of this and am forced to believe the storytellers at their word.)

I cannot do the next sequence of events justice, although I've heard them many times. Through a series of what can only be called miraculous events Daddy radically changed his life, giving it over to God completely. He also realized that God had something in mind for him. During this period of time he also married my mom, and began immediately raising a family. He gave up his aspirations of political greatness and instead developed a new one...... being a great father. And he was. I don't remember more than a handful of times that my daddy wasn't home at 5:30 in the evening, sitting down to have dinner with us, asking us about our day. My daddy didn't work on cars or play golf or have other hobbies (all of which are perfectly fine), he instead spent every weekend at home, doing whatever needed doing around our house, and just generally being there. He began a modest law career, to make ends meet, and instead focused on the ministry, pastoring a church for a time, doing some work of a traveling evangelist (always with us in tow), and eventually 15-17 years ago staring a ministry called South Church. South Church feeds and meets the needs of many homeless and impoverished people in our community. Many of the people are mentally ill and generally hard to be around, they call on him at all hours, often showing up at his law office to ask for help, and he helps them..... endlessly. My daddy prayed for me every night of my childhood that I can remember right up to the night prior to my wedding. He then preformed the ceremony, I will cherish that memory always.

As an adult with more understanding of the society I live in, I have reached a new and profound understanding of the love and quiet sacrifice my Daddy made for our family. One of the first things I realized was that Daddy probably didn't prefer driving the old beat up vehicles he always drove downtown to work (where BMW's and Mercedes are the norm), but instead gave up having nice vehicles so that each of his 6 children could have a vehicle of their own. He probably would have liked to have lived in nicer homes, but instead offered each of us financial assistance in getting started in life. He has baptized each of his grandchildren as they have made their own decisions to follow Christ, and his oldest nephew has already decided that his papa is his spiritual hero, traveling and spreading the gospel, even at the age of 17. Daddy has never turned me away when I needed him, and I am in awe.

My daddy's story is one of strength, character and overcoming the things of the world in order to work for a greater, eternal good. Some kids don't have dads, I have a legacy to pass onto my children.

Thank you Daddy.

I've Been Tagged

2008-06-12T10:49:00.002-05:00

The Rules:
1. Post the rules of the game at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post, the player then tags 3 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read the player’s blog.
4. Let the person who tagged you know when you’ve posted your answer.

QUESTIONS:

What were you doing five years ago?
Five years ago I was a full-time stay at home mom (who never stayed home). I had a 1 year old,3 year old and 6-7 year old. I was in the throws of a rigorous therapy schedule with my son which required driving back and forth 3-6 times weekly, a daughter in pre-competition gymnastics who had to be at the gym at least twice weekly. Basically I lived in my car, lived breathed and immersed myself in autism and related education, put my son on a gluten and casein free died which required cooking ridiculous amounts of food and basically making my hobby "find the thing boy-child will eat" and regularly reminded myself to breath in and out. Now, right before this goes into sounding like a complete bitchfest, I must say, this was one of the most fulfilling times in my life. I think because looking back I see how much purpose I had.

What are five things on your to-do list for today?
1. Take the kids swimming.
2. Blog for the first time in 2 months.
3. Do laundry (oh hurray!)
4. Paint my nails.
5. Attend a non-profit event with my awesome husband.

What are five snacks you enjoy?
1. A Margarita and anything.

2. Cheese and crackers.

3. Cubed cheese and wine.

4. Any kind of chips and dip.

5. Bread and Italian dipping oil.

CARBS ANYONE!!!

What are five things you would do if you were a billionaire?
1. Pay off my parents home and debt (I know how much of it I caused).

2. Buy my father-in-laws 1957 Chevy back for him.

3. Finance my church in any way possible.

4. Start an Autism Awareness foundation (Ness we may have to be in this together).

5. Buy my husband the biggest bad ass truck I can find (he really deserves it.)

What are five of your bad habits?
1. procrastinating

2. giving up.... before I start

3. second guessing myself

4. picking at blemishes or anything else that looks mildly pickable

5. NEVER SAYING NO TO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!

What are five places where you have lived?
Believe it or not, I have only lived 3 places (this even means houses) in my entire life.

1. A certain city in Arkansas (moved into the house at 5 months of age)

2. A small farm in Arkansas (moved into the house 4 months shy of my 16th birthday)

3. My current home in small town, Arkansas (moved into the house in 1995 and still live here)

What are five jobs you’ve had?

1. Legal secretary (ooh aaah)

2. Nursery coordinator (these are very distinguished jobs)

3. Office Manager to a Pediatric Occupational Therapy Clinic

4. Substitute teacher

5. Teacher's Aide (or I'm going to be in the fall)

I Tag:
Jody, Cassie (start a blog already) and Aaron

Spring

2008-04-04T21:19:00.005-05:00

So far we have.....

worked on riding a bike.....

turned 11.....

tried out for cheer leading, and made it....

and celebrated our risen Savior on Easter.

Spring has definitely arrived.

Check List

2008-03-26T15:59:00.004-05:00

To Do List:

1. Get kids to school......check.

2. Drink too much coffee.....check.

3. Reach on top of fridge knocking down camera, breaking it just in time for Disney trip......check.

4. Get out all bills to sort, list and budget for......check.

5. Walk away from bills leaving them piled on the counter for another day.....check.

6. Break lots of dishes.....check.

7. Glue and mud dish pieces to picture frame.....check.

8. Get on treadmill intending to do 45 minutes,

9. Maybe 30,

10. Quite after 25......check.

11. Finish picture frame and start on wine bottle (mosaicing that is)......check.

12. Cut finger and bleed on wine bottle......check.

13. Pick up kids from school.......check.

14. Clean up mosaics so that it looks like I did something constructive......check.

15. Contemplate what I do all day......check.

Pale Blue Letters

2008-03-11T08:27:00.003-05:00

I wanted to share with you my favorite story. It is a story from the book Chocolate for a Mother's Heart, it was written by Michelle Wallace Campanelli. Those of you who know me will understand what it has meant to me.

Babysitting my friend's son is always an experience. Jeb has been diagnosed with some autistic characteristics, but it's not his disorder that gets to me-it's the way other people react to him that can ruin my day.

Jeb is different. He isn't interested in demonstrations of affection and rarely looks anyone in the eye. If you speak too loudly, he'll cover his ears and scream at the top of his lungs. Touch him and he'll cry out as if in great pain.

We walk to the park every day, but not to play with the other children; he doesn't enjoy making friends. He only likes hanging out on one particular swing. he'll sway for hours, rocking back and forth. Even though he has an expensive play center of his own in his backyard, it's only on this one swing in the middle of the local playground that he'll play.

Since I've been babysitting him for years, I know what he enjoys, and I allow him almost everything that he wants: the walk to the park, the swing, and his favorite box of crayons when we get home in the evenings. Drawing and writing are usually how he spends most of his nights. He invariably chooses a worn, pale-blue crayon. Then I tuck him into bed and read to him from one of my poetry collections until he falls asleep.

Jeb has never told me he loves me, but rarely does he get into trouble. If he starts to get agitated in public, all I have to do is hand him something to write with; he'll instinctively sit down and stay busy, penning nonsensical words and doodles.

Today at the park I had a mother pull her own child away from Jeb so the child wouldn't "catch" what Jeb has. Another father inquired, "What's wrong with him?" As always, I avoided responding.

When I brought Jeb home, I found his mother reduced to tears. She is often like this. The stress of raising a child who never shows affection tends to wear on a mother after a while.

I sat down at the kitchen table beside her. "What's the matter, Shara?"

Sniffling, she wept. "I gave some of Jeb's papers to an autistic specialist to try and figure out what's going on in his mind, what he's trying to say."

I patted her hand, thinking those scribbles and pictures weren't anything anyone could understand.

"Dr. Matovski told me the pictures were exceptional and increasingly intricate. He said Jeb's words are poetry! The letters and sentences are just backwards!"

"Really?" I gasped. "You mean the stuff Jeb writes actually makes sense!"

She gulped in ragged breaths, pulling out on of Jeb's pieces of construction paper from her purse. "Look."

I glanced down over Jeb's pale-blue crayon scribbles and noticed there were words underneath where the doctor, a pediatric neurologist, must have transcribed.

In the darkness I do lie
Liking the quiet and the night
As she reads a poem of a guy
Who's not afraid of doing what's right.

In my heart I yearn to be
As strong as the hero's will
Whose spirit was unfettered and free
But whose love for women was grander still.

Yet my love hides within my soul
Afraid to break the chains
But withholding my emotions has taken its toll
And for my caretakers only heartache remains.

So to these women I write this poem
To let them know how happy I am
Their love is greater than anything I've known
And it's helping me to become a man.

-Jeb

Together, we collapsed into tears, barely able to comprehend that all this time, Jeb has been feeling fulfilled and appreciating us, loving us.

We were still embracing one another and crying when the phone rang.

"Hello," my friend answered.

"Hello, Shara. This is Dr. Matovski. I just finished transcribing the rest of Jeb's poetry. he surely has some savant abilities. Some of these are quite fascinating. Would you mind if I showed them to a friend of mine, Frank Paterno?"

"Frank Paterno?"

I heard the name and knew he owned a local publishing house.

"Sure," Shara answered. "But first send me more information explaining how you deciphered Jeb's poetry. I want to be able to read them for myself now."

"Of course, Shara. I hope your very proud of your son. He's a very well-adjusted, talented young boy." Dr. Matovski told her.

It's been over a year since that night, and Jeb has now had two poems published in a book made to help raise funds for handicapped children. I'm not sure which his mother is more proud of, his being a poet or just being a "happy" little boy.

I believe it is the latter.

And for me, well, I remain their babysitter. We still have our daily routine of walking to the park, playing on the swing set, writing, drawing, and reading poetry at night. But now when a mother or father asks me what's wrong with him. I remember the pale-blue letters and say, "Nothing. He's perfect."

2008-03-03T09:07:00.002-06:00

See that.... he's waiting for us.

If you have been looking at my countdown, you can see that we are down to about a month left before our big Disney Trip! That's great, except for one little thing, I am not even close to thinking about being ready.

So here is my request. I NEED SUGGESTIONS. I've never flown before, much less flown with three kids. I've got to get spring clothes together for all of us, figure out the luggage. Do I take 8 days worth of crap, or pray for a place to wash clothes?

HELP!!!

So come on, give me your tips......

Mom's Top 10

2008-02-26T10:40:00.002-06:00

Here are the Top 10 ways to know that you are a mom:

1. You spend hours (and I do mean hours) cleaning your master bathroom. You enter that bathroom later to find a giant, bright pink, blow-up bat and a pile of Easter post-its next to your toilet.

2. A certain six year old gets out of the car and turns to you saying.... "I hope you don't get the job."

3. You sweep, dust mop, and polish your floors, take the supplies and put them away, only to return and find a perfect set of Great Dane foot prints in the middle of the floor.

4. New red shoes make you cry with happiness.

5. You spend at least thirty minutes a day doing math problems that you thought you would never do again.

6. You are so worried about letting your child express themselves that you let them create art work.... on the floor.... with chocolate milk. (I borrowed this one from my sister.)

7. You express your artistic side by trying to perfect your "Dinosaur in Crayon"... the kid thought it was a monkey.

8. The only person's hair you don't fix at your house is your own.

9. You will use any form of bribery to encourage the proper use of a toilet.

10. When you take the time to shower and properly groom yourself, people ask you what you did differently.

Finally Better

2008-02-19T08:26:00.005-06:00

I am finally better. For lack of more articulate terms, the flu sucks!

During my visit to the ugly underworld of illness, I, being the supper observant person I am, observed several undeniable truths.

Truth #1)- No offense to feminists or anything but men don't keep house.
My husband is particularly wonderful at picking up the reigns when I am unavailable. He does laundry, cooks (very well), takes kids to school, oversees homework, and does it all with a great attitude. However, my house falls completely apart. Men clean (or call it cleaning) in a way I will never understand, taking on projects that no one cares about and leaving messes staring you in the face. For example the table won't be cleared for three days but all filters of any kind will be changed.

Truth #2- I do way to much for my children.
Bless their lazy hearts. Did you know that if a child is not given the exact clothes to wear they cannot dress themselves? Or that if not told specifically they will not brush their teeth?.. and if asked to put away their clean, folded laundry, but not followed and helped with every step, they will just throw them in their floor?

Truth #3- In recent years I have come to think of myself as lazy, but, after 4 excruciating days of laying around, have discovered that I am actually allergic to sitting for long periods of time.

So being sick, although no fun, was a learning experience.

Today I am going to clean (and not one filter will be changed), cook (mine is better), and probably still do to much for my kids.... baby steps.

An Early Visit

2008-02-13T08:43:00.004-06:00

Remember this guy?

Our home received an early visit from his sister:

In case you can't tell, she is shooting red, plastic forks as arrows.

Love is a crazy thing.

Here it is in Black and White

2008-02-05T10:26:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I substitute taught for a 7th grade English class. It was gory. However, I learned a valuable lesson from these 13 year-olds.

Racism is alive and well.

For lack of a lesson plan another English teacher stepped in and wrote a thought provoking journaling prompt.

If you had the power to eliminate racism by making everyone the same race would you?

The first thing that struck me was that every student (regardless of their race) assumed the one race would be white. The majority of the papers I read (I did not read them all) suggested that we should not go to one race because "God made them that way" but could not give the reasons this was significant. Not one paper I read suggested that we already belonged to one race... the human race. Most of the papers had phrases written that were obviously direct quotes from adults "the problem is that you can't understand them." etc. There were some lovely things written about the world becoming a boring place if it was all one color (once again always white). One student assumed in his paper that if we all went to one race that meant that all black and Hispanic people would be dead (he consequently was Hispanic himself). One child made an uninformed stab about closing the boarders... but by far the most horrific thing I read was this: My parents are from ??????? So they are racist. Down there the black people shoot you, but here they are all nice.

At the end of the day I felt as though I had been shot. I thought we had come so far, but we still have so far to go.

I came home weary and disheartened, opened my e-mail and found an emotionally charged message that had been sent in mass to myself and others, regarding why Muslims could not be good Americans, sighting many of the teachings from the Koran. At the end it beseeched its readers to please send this message to everyone they knew.... because Barack Obama is going to be sworn in on a Koran and we can't have a Muslim running this country..... I wept.

I had no idea that misinformed was the new black. (Pardon the pun).

Okay I'm Pissed

2008-01-30T09:24:00.001-06:00

No child left behind..... a great thought that lead to a great crock!

I was sitting with my youngest children (6 & 8) last night. They have been talking about the BIG TEST they are going to be taking soon. Their poor teachers have had to all but cease teaching at this point (its January), in favor of teaching the children how to take the TEST (its in April). My daughter who makes near perfect marks on everything is a perfectionist who puts constant pressure on herself. She is scared to death and cried repeatedly about not being able to correctly color in the answer bubbles. My son, who has some learning issues, flat out told me he couldn't do it. He is not only practicing at school for the test, but is now bringing home extra test practice to do at home. He is highly intelligent but, thanks to the TEST feels completely incapable.

No child left behind has not only failed our children, it is failing our teachers. The pressure they are under is incredible considering that the extra funding for their school is directly affected by these test scores.

Obviously there are some good things about the NCLBA, and the purpose of the Act cannot be dismissed (to raise the standard of education in America). However, serious reform is needed.

If you want to read more the link to an overview of the NCLBA along with concerns (pro and con) is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/No_Child_Left_Behind

GUESS WHAT...

2008-01-24T10:50:00.000-06:00

WE'RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The kids won't know until tonight, but (being somewhat of a kid myself), I had to blab!

Happy Birthday Nathan

2008-01-22T20:32:00.001-06:00

THE SHADOW OF A MAN
Yesterday you were a baby with a cheerful, jolly smile,
Then you grew a little, your personality grew a mile,
You ran and played with abandon caring not who would see,
Sometimes I wished there was more of this inside of me,
You grew a little more and it brought you into pain,
Even though you walked through with strength, the tears left their stain,
I see you now emerging, ready for your new experiences in life,
Working, laughing, loving, joined together with a wife,
One moment you were a child, running, yelling "catch me if you can"
But when I turned to reach you I saw the shadow of a man.

Happy birthday Nathan. I love you.

Just When You Think

2008-01-21T19:33:00.000-06:00

Just when you think that your children are part of an elaborate plan to take over the world with a band of evil geniuses......

They have a picnic with their dog in the living room floor, and sweetly enjoy popcorn and a movie together.

It is a brilliant cover-up.

(Please ignore the pile of unfolded clothes in the background.)

Bucket List

2008-01-15T09:19:00.000-06:00

The movie Bucket List, has started a wave of radio shows, tv shows etc. doing there own. For those of you who don't know, a bucket list is simply put: A list of things to do before you kick the bucket.

Here is mine.

See each of my children become a well adjusted adult.
Travel with my husband (anywhere and everywhere)
Find one thing I am exceptional at....and do it.
See at least one show on Broadway
Ride on an airplane
write a book (even if it is never published)
see the ocean
hold my own grandchild

This is a list I hope to add to (and more importantly subtract from), I like this much better than New Year's resolutions. It made me search my own heart for what it longs for. I don't do that often enough.

What is on your Bucket List?

The Battle Within

2008-01-11T08:11:00.000-06:00

I HAVE YET TO HEAR A MAN ASKING HOW TO MANAGE A CAREER AND A MARRIAGE

I received this in an e-mail today, and it got me thinking.......Why do women struggle so much with these issues? I do, on a daily basis. I struggle with, "should I go back to work?" "are my kids better off with me constantly available to them?" "am I really satisfied with where I am?" "what could I do to reach my full potential...and not inconvenience my family." "Am I setting a good example for my girls?" The list could go on.

Does anyone else out there have this constant struggle, this tug-of-war within them. Truly wanting to do right by the family God has blessed you with, but wondering what is "right"? I know women who seem to "have it all", but do they? This has to be one of the things I battle with most often..... Any thoughts?

Democracy doesn't work

2008-01-07T18:42:00.000-06:00

I am (as of yet) undecided on who I will cast my vote for in the 2008 presidential election. I am strongly leaning towards a candidate and when I reach my decision will definitely blog accordingly.

The democracy I want to share about is a much smaller one, it occurs regularly.... at my dinner table.

There have been many votes cast over the years. Decisions made regarding the fate of a recipe (was it liked or destined for the garbage). Whose favorite color is pink.... and many other very important issues have been decided in this family democracy of mine.

Tonight over dinner however, our democracy failed.... miserably.

I made a common dinner for our house (a combination of scrambled eggs, sausage and white rice), but instead of regular biscuits I tried something new. I rolled little pieces of biscuit dough into balls put three/four of the balls in a muffin tin and made pull-apart muffins. I then served each muffin, slightly opened, with a dollop of butter and jelly in each one. My children were blown away by my culinary masterpiece, and a spirited debate over the name of this new "recipe" ensued.

I will spare you the details of the mud slinging that followed.... but after a vote that ended in utter failure the name was decided.

Super-Palooza-Peek-a-boo-Bug-Face.

From now on I run a dictatorship.

Kids are sooo honest

2008-01-02T11:25:00.001-06:00

My daughter picked out the funniest birthday card I received this year. Monkeys in tutus, it never gets old.

I'm the big 3-0!!!

2007-12-31T13:23:00.000-06:00

Today I am 30....and it doesn't bother me one bit. I am 30 years young.

I awoke today to a very thoughtful gift waiting for me on the kitchen counter (from hubby). Equally thoughtful gifts from my three precious children, along with very funny cards....but the best gift was yet to come.

My wonderful children let me sit, bundled up and read, take an hour long, uninterrupted jacuzzi (mothers everywhere understand the significance of this) and when I came out was met by a home-made birthday cake. Decorated and ready for me.

My oldest daughter, not pictured, made me a perfect cake, put the number 30 on it in toothpicks, and drizzled hot chocolate syrup over it. I told them, meaning it, it was the best cake of my 30 years. My children truly made this a perfect day.

These children of mine

2007-12-27T21:08:00.000-06:00

Footprints in the snow tell a story if you'll hear
Of children playing and laughing, innocence without fear
Angels in the snow have snowball wars without pain
Their purity like the powder is white and flawless without stain
The icicles form their kingdom which they rule, and fill with laughter
Endless running, rolling and merry as hearts pitter-patter
They build each snowy man with love and tender care
Without a thought towards the truth; tomorrow he won't be there
In the end red hands and cheeks run inside for warming hugs
Shaking off with smiles as they reach for cocoa mugs
Later as they sleep I look outside and know
Children grow up and they're gone, like footprints melting with the snow.

This Christmas I have truly been blessed. Surrounded by my wonderful family, relatives and friends. The moments that I enjoyed were also bitter sweet. I realized as I looked at my children how quickly it is going. I truly drank them in as I realized that I will blink, and this time will be over.

AAAHHHHHH

2007-12-22T22:21:00.000-06:00

My children are out of school for 2 weeks. My husband and I are finally spending some much needed snuggle time together. The five of us are breathing in the incredible feel of the Christmas season. We have shopped together, we have wrapped together, we have cooked together, played together, watched tv together. This is the reason I love Christmas. It is like my family enters into this bubble of peace. We all feel a little happier, sleep a little deeper, love a little stronger......

I have a feeling this will be one of the years I look back on as the best.

Merry Christmas everybody....God bless you and yours.

Some things are too true to be funny

2007-12-17T08:38:00.000-06:00

My husbands cousin, who has three children, had this forwarded to several people.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Mom's letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children
on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two
cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on
the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are
strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the
grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of
my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't
broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with
a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the
phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy"
to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and
three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power
tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the
living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the
dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time
to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of
eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a
Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten
the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a
vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if
you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding
payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe
trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry
off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

MOM...

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
children young enough to believe in Santa.

Prayer

2007-12-13T08:40:00.000-06:00

I have been struggling for a while.... a long, long while, with my prayer life.

Prayer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, every time I start to pray a blockage occurs. And I don't mean a momentary inability to focus; I mean a complete shutdown of all mental capacities. The most keen awareness of the presence of the ceiling, and of my unworthiness to try and penetrate it for the purpose of my own supplication. So for years the struggle has raged on, silently. Even as I have continued to say, "I'll pray for you" knowing it might have been a lie.

Yesterday the dam broke. Everywhere I turned, every phone call I made, every person I ran into, every blog I read, every situation in life, screamed PRAY! So finally I did. I just prayed. I laid it all out, I thanked Him, I told Him, I begged Him. And in the process I somehow remembered that He really doesn't care about how I feel when I pray, He just wants to hear from me. And yes, the ceiling is still there and I am still ridiculously unworthy. But I am going to pray anyway.

Isn't it funny how I always return to the basics?

Jesus loves me this I know.

Rock On

2007-12-11T11:08:00.000-06:00

Sometimes the outfit makes the girl......

Sometimes the girl makes the outfit!

Rock on girlfriend!!

Christmas Spirit

2007-12-03T19:49:00.000-06:00

The trees up, the shopping is started, the kids are excited....what's missing. It could be Christmas spirit, if I let it. Like in many situations I have the power to set the mood for Christmas at my house. Not by having the most beautiful decorations or the most expensive gifts.... but by intentionally enjoying the season with my family. And you can do this whether you work or stay at home or whatever your situation is; by doing some things that tell your kids you love Christmas.

Make hot cocoa and pop in a Christmas movie.

After dinner, jump in the car for a look at the local Christmas lights.

Play Christmas songs on your way to take them to school.

Read Christmas books.

(My sister-in-law wrapped her refrigerator in Christmas wrapping paper!)

A friend of mine recently blogged about finally realizing that it is okay to celebrate... that God is okay and smiles upon times of celebration. Realize that, get the bah humbug out of your butt, and enjoy Christmas. It won't kill you, and it will make the memories soooo much better for your kids.

I'm done, its precarious on this soapbox.

Spriritual Journal (part 1)

2007-11-29T08:19:00.000-06:00

Several years ago I was challenged by a longtime family friend to begin a journal of my spiritual markers. I started, but like many things did not follow through. I am now going to share what I wrote and hopefully add to it regularly. This will be an ongoing, if not occasional process.

Spritual Journal (part 1)

My first spiritual marker (at least the first one I remember) was from the time I was around 7 or 8 years old. I was "heavily burdened" by shame and guilt over my childish sins. My mother sat in our living room with me at her knees and listened to the confessions of a child. Then she cupped her hands in front of her and told me to put my sins into them. I did, she then lifted her hands toward heaven and released them. Then she told me that I did not have to feel guilty over these things anymore because we had given them to God!

What a perfect picture of grace. No matter how "spiritually mature" I become, this lesson is the one I return to in my darkest hour.

I remember being a 14 years old and attending a church service at a local church. I was not there for any spiritual reason. I think it was more of a "social" reason (in other words a guy). Towards the end of the service (which I'm sure I paid little to no attention to), the pastor asked if anyone would like prayer for healing. For some reason I decided to respond. I had recently been told, after a routine school screening, that I had the signs of scoliosis, a curvature of the spine, that can cause endless years of struggle and medical difficulties. One of the telltale signs was that, when stretched out in front of me, one of my arms was at least 1 1/2 inches longer than the other one.

I had known this pastor my entire life, he was a friend of my parents, and there was nothing extraordinary about him. Without any hoopla, purple tuxedos, or screaming and wailing, he placed his hand gently on my head and prayed a simple prayer. I don't even remember the prayer, it was not noticeably powerful. When he finished praying, I thanked him, and turned, intending to return to my seat. The pastor smiled and asked me if I would like to look at my arms again. I stretched them out in front of me and found them to be exactly the same length.

I have never undergone any treatments for scoliosis of any type. After that day I never had an irregular result from a screening or any other complication or condition resulting from this.

I don't know why God chose to heal me that day. Maybe He just wanted to remind me of His power, maybe it wasn't for me at all, but someone else whose faith needed strengthening. But He did it, and it reminded me of his awesome power and of how real he really is.

I remember being 14 years old and meeting a good looking guy. We were at the mall and I was introduced to him by a mutual friend. I had no idea at the time, that this moment would end up being one of the most significant in my life. But God knew, He knew that night that he was giving a self-absorbed kid a glimpse into the rest of her life.

He's all dimples

2007-11-28T10:53:00.000-06:00

He's all dimples. This picture is my new fav. This is a baby I know and love, and will bribe on prom night.

Crafty....er..not

2007-11-25T17:11:00.001-06:00

Tried to Mrs. Suzie Homemaker this week and do an ornament craft with the kiddos. Here is what ensued.

The store sold this kit as a great ornament making craft for the fam....whatever. I managed to figure out what was needed for each ornament (wire cutters, wire bending tools etc.), Then sorted through approx. 5,0000 beads of various maddening sizes. Got the kids to slowly and maticulously make the correct arangment for the torture devices....I mean ornaments, at which time they ran from the table as fast as they could. I however could not be deterred. So I spent the next 2-hours making these ornaments from hell with only my youngest daughter at my side (because she finaly began ignoring me and making them however she wanted to..smart kid.) So 2 hours later I had: a chipped tooth (couldn't find wire bending tool), a metal sliver in my finger, had taught my children several new words.....and 24 beaded ornaments.....Merry Freakin' Christmas!!

Fraaaaaazled Woman

2007-11-25T16:33:00.000-06:00

Hubby has been out of town 5-weekends in a row. I am ready for a husband (and more importantly father-to-my-children). He has done it only as an act of service to his family.....but......we are both ready for some normalicy. Oh ya, did I mention I hosted Thanksgiving for 42 people (that is not a typo). Found out the day before Thanksgiving! But pulled it off with LOTS of help from my sister. My kids have been home for a week, but return tomorrow....I love public school!!!!!!

So now that that's over....it is time for CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!! Let the games begin!

I'm Back!!!!!

2007-09-11T08:20:00.002-05:00

Sorry it has been a while. I can't believe how out of touch I feel when I'm not blogging.

School has started, the kids are doing GREAT this year. I am going through a quarter-life crisis. My husband says the very fact that I'm calling something a quarter-life crisis means that I'm having one. I'm sort of looking for a job but not working yet. I'm trying to get my house ready to sell....that's fun. Life's just kind of going on around me and I keep trying to find a good jumping in point.

Halsey cheered at her first game and loved it, and so far has straight A's this quarter. Derek is reading and doing well in spelling and math. Sadie is doing great in school and reading really well. Big Derek is still doing what he always does, you know jumping over tall buildings in a single bound etc.....So here I am behind the scenes watching with pride, wondering how it all is happening so fast.....

No matter how many times well meaning elderly people say it to you, it just doesn't sink in......they grow up so fast.

Time to get back to it. Whatever "it" is.

2007-08-15T11:19:00.000-05:00

Can I just say that buying school supplies is getting annoying....seriously. I have spent upwards of $200.00 on school supplies and lunch boxes and backpacks.....for public school! That doesn't even begin to cover clothes. Back to school is a very expensive time of year.

I think I'm looking forward to the first day of school this year. Unlike last years emotional breakdown. Maybe this year it won't take me a month to get used to it.

Oh....my new favorite quote from the blogesphere:

Every time a new blog is started a therapist loses its wings!!

Camping in August (cont.)

2007-08-13T14:43:00.000-05:00

We survived camping in August, we really enjoyed it. These pics are of the day we spent on the lake. The kids did not get out of the lake for about 5 hours.

Camping in August!!!!

2007-08-13T14:36:00.000-05:00

Halsey's Baptism

2007-08-10T08:16:00.000-05:00

Halsey came home a couple of weeks ago and told us that she had been saved. Halsey had expressed for years (since she was about 5 years old), that she wanted a personal relationship with Jesus. After this last experience we knew it was time....and asked her if she was ready to be baptized. She said yes. So on Wednesday, August 8, she was baptized by her Grandpa B., at the home of her Grandma and Grandpa S., with her aunts and uncles, Grandparents from both sides and her Great Grandma J. (from South Dakota) present. It was a wonderful experience.

It is a deeply spiritual thing to be surrounded by your family while your child commits her life to Christ.

Derek and I could not be prouder of Halsey. She is a wonderful example of why the Bible compels us to have the faith of a child.

The Sisterhood

2007-08-09T13:40:00.000-05:00

I have a new sisterhood, its name is book club.

In all my comings and goings over the years, I have been associated (loosley or otherwise), with many different groups of women. And with the exception of my one or two very close friends, I have put on a ridiculous show for all of them. I have worn masks and clown make-up, dressed up and put on costumes and done many, many tap dances, all in the name of being whoever those people around me needed me to be. This summer for the first time. I am in a group with women who just want to be real. All of us. With all of our unadulterated ugliness. Many a week I drag myself to book club, only to find that somewhere in the few hours I spend with these women, a weight is lifted from me.....Then today it hit me. This is what the Bible is talking about when it says to bear each others burdens! Take each others pain as our own, climb into a pity party mud hole, sit among the ashes together and tend each others wounds. There is an amazing healing that begins to take place when we are willing to speak the truth about a situation in our lives, instead of pretending our life is perfect. My friend put it best when she said, "When you speak something it makes it real, when it is real you have to deal with it."

The funny thing about this group of women, is that from the outside we don't look like a group that would mesh at all! Different family and religious backgrounds. A span of ages that includes a couple of decades. No socioeconomic comparison. It really should not be working, but it is and it is miraculous in its ability to do so.

God knows where I've been and where I'm not sure I'll ever come back from. But He also knew exactly what this group of women needed at this point in time....and He honored our need. All it took was a desperate group of worn-out women, sick of playing the games and ready to get real, whether it gained us friends or not, and what it did was gain us a sisterhood, called book club.

Oh yeah, we occasionally talk about a good book too.

Derek's lookalike

2007-08-01T21:01:00.000-05:00

Tonight we had the wonderful experience of meeting Derek's biological uncle, Bill. He is a long-haul truck driver who makes a weekly run from California to Pennsylvania and back. We met him, with our kids, at a stop he made about 60 miles from where we live. Can you see the family resemblance!?!

Miscellaneous Ramblings

2007-07-31T10:23:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, as I was dealing with some very difficult situations, God reminded me of his ability to use any circumstance to draw me close to him.

Update from yesterday: I made a list of goals. They aren't much, but it is a step in the right direction.

I have discovered the most amazing new hobby. Urban exploration....or looking at pictures and reading about other people's urban exploration. There is something amazing, creepy and surreal about looking at old abandoned buildings, theme parks, and homes.....especially the homes. Shells of a past existence, with little hidden reminders of the life once lived inside. I am going to find a way to write about this more extensively. I am researching these old houses on almost a daily basis right now, and every time I do, there is something about them that draws me in more......The house pictured above is call Mudhouse Mansion, it is in Ohio.

What is next?

2007-07-28T10:26:00.000-05:00

Lets see, Derek and I drove to South Dakota (9+ hours) stayed one day and drove back (9+ hours) last weekend. We hosted a small group cookout for 25 people (small group?), on Friday......This may be part of the reason I haven't blogged, or at least it is going to be my excuse.

It is time to decide whether or not I should go back to work. Or maybe It's just time to become motivated again. To make some life decisions and plow forward towards a goal. It is time for me to take some risks, leave my comfort zone, and do something completely new, or at least something I can succeed in doing.

My heart is still in being a mom. The problem is (as previously blogged about), I am not a supermom. So what is next, no really I'm asking.....what is next? Any thoughts?

Sadiebug

2007-07-18T15:05:00.000-05:00

MY BABY IS 6!!!!!!

What could be more fun than a new bikini, your best friend, a sprinkler, and mud......getting your ears pierced!!! Happy birthday to my baby....Sadie.

Transformers (more than meets the eye)

2007-07-09T10:18:00.000-05:00

Transformers-my son saw the movie....sat through the entire 3 hours, and came home with his eyes the size of silver dollars, proclaiming that he had just seen the BEST MOVIE EVER!!!

Our church is doing a series on "Transforming Your Life" and it has me spending more than a little time contemplating such things. I have realized that everyone (not jut my son and his peers) are obsessed with Transformers. (My pastor, Robb, is obsessed with them too....but he also hears voices...I'm just saying.)

What is it about transformation that has our society so well....transfixed. Look at the reality shows. Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Extreme Makeover. What Not To Wear. 10 Years Younger and more. The idea that someone can take our poor pitiful selves (or poor pitiful homes) and turn them into something amazing, beautiful, younger looking, or brand new, invigorates us and quite frankly, I think, gives us hope. None of us (least of all myself) want to face the thought that we have come as far as we are going to, that we are done growing and changing or that this (right now right here) is all there is. So we see the transformations that are possible and hope that we too might be transformed. I would contend, however, that the transformation that we are all so obsessed with is actually caused by a much deeper need. The need for inner transformation. The need to know their is something greater than poor pitiful me and the mistakes I constantly make. The need for fulfillment and love and well.....peace.

As I have listened to the teaching on Transformation one thing has become abundantly clear. I am going to be transformed....the question is who or what am I going to let do the transforming.

2007-07-07T23:21:00.001-05:00

2007-07-07T23:17:00.000-05:00

2007-07-07T23:15:00.000-05:00

I am not a loner!!!!

2007-07-07T23:02:00.000-05:00

In a society filled with amazing single mothers I have made an important discovery.......I AM NOT A SINGLE MOM!!!!! I understand that under strenuous circumstances that I could pull it off.....but I don't want to try. My husband has been gone, working out-of-town, for 4 weekends in a row. That means that he has worked endless weeks, followed by LOOOOONG weekends of not seeing him or even speaking to him. Don't get me wrong I appreciate his willingness to work himself silly...but I have definitely discovered that single parenting is not a life style I want to try long term. This dawned on me about the time I decided to run away and join the circus, whch fell curiously close to the point at which my children were completely DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

However, now that I have gone and checked on them (sleeping soundly in their rooms), and had 1...er maybe 2, (3), glasses of wine. I am remembering what complete angles they are and looking forward to tomorrow.....because that is when my husband comes home!!!!

I have a new and profound respect for these woman who do it all. And will proudly announce that I am not one of them!

A Real Man

2007-07-01T20:02:00.000-05:00

As I look around at our society I realize that there are not many real men left. There are strong men, sensative men, metrosexual men.....etc. But I question how many are real men. Here's what I mean.

I know a man who can make you laugh until you cry. He cried when his children were born. He has worked his body almost to death to provide for his family. He has never threatened to leave his wife. This man has never called his wife a name. This man has coached T-ball and skipped with a line of purple clad players across the field in the name of "keeping it fun". This man has never turned down someone who needed his help. This man poured his body and soul into building his dream house.....and then got on his knees, telling God to use it for His glory.....even if that meant someone else should have it. This man has given up things he wanted, and needed, to provide Christmas presents for his children. This man has cried over his daughter's bad day. This man regularly drives in the middle of the night to pick up a child who changed their mind about a sleepover. This man slipped a rolled-up $100.00 bill to a young waitress because he knew she didn't have much money. He has loved the same woman for 13 years, even though she was sometimes unlovable. This man loves to talk to his kids on the phone. He taught his son how to pee in a uranal. He is my hero.

I have a real man.

2007-06-29T10:13:00.000-05:00

I awoke this morning with the grandest of intentions. Grocery shopping, buying the last roll of wallpaper I need for the bathroom. Finishing the wallpaper. Doing laundry, getting the kids ready for their evening of softball....I really felt as though I had it all together. (I had even planned what I needed for gatherings on the 4th of July....oh yeah, I was doing that good.)

Sadie woke up and began whining really, really whining...about everything....constantly. Halsey woke up tired and grumpy. Derek, who is usually such a morning person, didn't want to eat much breakfast and then stood in the livingroom floor, on the carpet of course, and threw up, and threw up and threw up.

Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

Mommy Dearest

2007-06-23T11:46:00.000-05:00

On any given day my thoughts go something like this:
Are my kids eating right? Watching too much TV? Getting enough culture? Getting a good enough education? Will they go to college? Will they marry? Will they have kids? Is my son developing on track? Is my daughter making the right friends? Is my baby girl growing up too fast because of her siblings? Am I disciplining my children correctly? Often enough? Too often? Should I change the music the kids listen to? Do the kids have enough clothes? Do the kids not have enough clothes? Are the shows on TV hurting them psychologically? Am I hurting them psychologically? Are they going to be in therapy because of their childhood? Am I going to be in therapy because of their childhood?..........

This goes on and on and on, in my head, it is not healthy.

Does anyone else have this mom they want to be but never quite are? We all know this woman I'll call her super-bitch ...er....mom....supermom. She selflessly gives her life to her children. Drives all the carpools, has all the friends over to her house (and they love her), has been homeroom mom for every class her children have ever been in, always brings drinks to the ball park....for everyone. When you go to her house it is always clean (no matter the time of day), and the TV is never on. When your kids go to sleepovers at her house they come home (reluctantly) and tell you that she built a fort with them, did a craft with them and let them cook, she never yelled and had breakfast ready when they woke up!! This woman must have her make-up tattood on becuase she's never been seen not wearing any and the pants she wears over her sorry size six ass are never wrinkled!!

Needless to say I am not this woman. I definately yell, I can be caught regularly without make-up, I try not to iron if I can help it, I am a terrible house keeper and my mothering skills.....well that's something I'm just not sure about. I am NOT supermom. I do love my children. I also yell at them some, get sick of them, pray for bedtime to arrive, and sometimes (okay regularly) say NO to things without any real reason. But according to the crazy thoughts that run a constant threat on my sanity, I think about my kids, their wellbeing and their future all the time. I think this at least makes me a loving mom. As I was pondering these things I found something I wrote several years ago. I must have been having a wonder-if-I'm-a-good-mom day:

There are no great mothers.
There are no great heros.
No perfect supermoms who never lose their temper or have a bad hair day.
There are no great women who manage to balance life perfectly.
No moms who never break down, cry, or even scream.
There are no great days.
Days that go perfectly without a catch or glitch.
There are no perfect houses.
There is always a dirty corner hiding somewhere.
No, there are no perfect mothers, just a perfect Christ who can do amazing things through the available.

I am going to keep worrying about my kids, and being available to my kids. I'm also going to pray that their future Therapists' are mom's too.

Broken

2007-06-15T15:13:00.000-05:00

Lord, when the anxiety build within me
Can I still praise you?
When the storm hits will I turn my back?
I start to fall forward and am caught up in your arms
My obedience is lacking, I thought you had left me.
But no your there, a breath away,
Awaiting my stumbling steps, my flailing arms.
So you can steady me, a sobbing heap, a broken vessel.
Just so you can wipe my tears, finding that last shred of hidden strength,
You gather the pieces and prove me wrong,
Delighting on each shredded piece, as your Spirit guides them back together.

2007-06-15T15:00:00.000-05:00

This is shy little Halsey and her friends Jessica and McKenzie dancing in this year school talent show. They ROCK!!

In the same week Derek & Sadie graduated from kindergarden!

Me Practicing Putting Pics on my Blog

2007-06-13T21:21:00.000-05:00

this is my precious son, I am learning how to put pics on my blog!!

This Old House

2007-06-13T08:44:00.000-05:00

I have lived in the same house for nearly 13 years. I have hated it for at least 11 or 12 of those. It is old and impossible to ever be done renovating. I've painted every room in the old part of the house at least 3 times, and never gotten the desired effect. I have bitched and complained and wished and prayed for a new house. A couple of years ago we put a big addition on the house, and I liked it more, but it was still unfinished and I mentioned that every chance I got. So here's my problem, now it looks like we are going to have to sell this house, and I've realized that what I want more than anything is to live here.....forever. Seriously, I have fallen completely in love with this house, the old and the new, the unfinished and the finished, the thought of renovating it for another 13 years. I LOVE IT!!! I want to live here, die here and have my ashes spread in the back yard (okay, I might be pushing it now, but you get the idea). After all these years of complaining, hoping and even praying for a new house, I am praying for God to just let me stay in this one. I hope he doesn't confuse easily!

I can't imagine living anywhere else but I know in my heart that as long as I have Derek and the kids I'll be fine. (Didn't that sound exactly like what I am supposed to say?) The truth is I know that I'll be fine, but that doesn't stop me from having a near panic attack everytime I think about leaving this place. On my long list of things I feel like I've failed.......being greatful for this house will always be in my top 20. But whether I've failed on not, I believe that God cares about even little unimportant things like this house, and I intend to keep praying until they drag me out of it kicking and screaming.

First Time

2007-06-12T08:38:00.000-05:00

This is my first post as a new blogger. I haven't even decided if anyone else will ever read this page, but I guess it's more for my sanity than anything else. I need a place to express myself. To say what I need to say and let it be out there, instead of in here. I have quit my job and now I am trying to figure out what in the world to do next. What is the next step on my journey. I mean I know the next step is to the ballfield or the dirty dishes or the laundry.... but what is MY NEXT STEP. Is there a next step or do I just keep on keeping on and wait until it steps on me? I'm not sure.