I awoke this morning with the grandest of intentions. Grocery shopping, buying the last roll of wallpaper I need for the bathroom. Finishing the wallpaper. Doing laundry, getting the kids ready for their evening of softball....I really felt as though I had it all together. (I had even planned what I needed for gatherings on the 4th of July....oh yeah, I was doing that good.)

Sadie woke up and began whining really, really whining...about everything....constantly. Halsey woke up tired and grumpy. Derek, who is usually such a morning person, didn't want to eat much breakfast and then stood in the livingroom floor, on the carpet of course, and threw up, and threw up and threw up.

Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

Mommy Dearest

On any given day my thoughts go something like this:
Are my kids eating right? Watching too much TV? Getting enough culture? Getting a good enough education? Will they go to college? Will they marry? Will they have kids? Is my son developing on track? Is my daughter making the right friends? Is my baby girl growing up too fast because of her siblings? Am I disciplining my children correctly? Often enough? Too often? Should I change the music the kids listen to? Do the kids have enough clothes? Do the kids not have enough clothes? Are the shows on TV hurting them psychologically? Am I hurting them psychologically? Are they going to be in therapy because of their childhood? Am I going to be in therapy because of their childhood?..........

This goes on and on and on, in my head, it is not healthy.

Does anyone else have this mom they want to be but never quite are? We all know this woman I'll call her super-bitch ...er....mom....supermom. She selflessly gives her life to her children. Drives all the carpools, has all the friends over to her house (and they love her), has been homeroom mom for every class her children have ever been in, always brings drinks to the ball park....for everyone. When you go to her house it is always clean (no matter the time of day), and the TV is never on. When your kids go to sleepovers at her house they come home (reluctantly) and tell you that she built a fort with them, did a craft with them and let them cook, she never yelled and had breakfast ready when they woke up!! This woman must have her make-up tattood on becuase she's never been seen not wearing any and the pants she wears over her sorry size six ass are never wrinkled!!

Needless to say I am not this woman. I definately yell, I can be caught regularly without make-up, I try not to iron if I can help it, I am a terrible house keeper and my mothering skills.....well that's something I'm just not sure about. I am NOT supermom. I do love my children. I also yell at them some, get sick of them, pray for bedtime to arrive, and sometimes (okay regularly) say NO to things without any real reason. But according to the crazy thoughts that run a constant threat on my sanity, I think about my kids, their wellbeing and their future all the time. I think this at least makes me a loving mom. As I was pondering these things I found something I wrote several years ago. I must have been having a wonder-if-I'm-a-good-mom day:


There are no great mothers.
There are no great heros.
No perfect supermoms who never lose their temper or have a bad hair day.
There are no great women who manage to balance life perfectly.
No moms who never break down, cry, or even scream.
There are no great days.
Days that go perfectly without a catch or glitch.
There are no perfect houses.
There is always a dirty corner hiding somewhere.
No, there are no perfect mothers, just a perfect Christ who can do amazing things through the available.


I am going to keep worrying about my kids, and being available to my kids. I'm also going to pray that their future Therapists' are mom's too.

Broken

Lord, when the anxiety build within me
Can I still praise you?
When the storm hits will I turn my back?
I start to fall forward and am caught up in your arms
My obedience is lacking, I thought you had left me.
But no your there, a breath away,
Awaiting my stumbling steps, my flailing arms.
So you can steady me, a sobbing heap, a broken vessel.
Just so you can wipe my tears, finding that last shred of hidden strength,
You gather the pieces and prove me wrong,
Delighting on each shredded piece, as your Spirit guides them back together.

This is shy little Halsey and her friends Jessica and McKenzie dancing in this year school talent show. They ROCK!!

In the same week Derek & Sadie graduated from kindergarden!

Me Practicing Putting Pics on my Blog

this is my precious son, I am learning how to put pics on my blog!!

This Old House

I have lived in the same house for nearly 13 years. I have hated it for at least 11 or 12 of those. It is old and impossible to ever be done renovating. I've painted every room in the old part of the house at least 3 times, and never gotten the desired effect. I have bitched and complained and wished and prayed for a new house. A couple of years ago we put a big addition on the house, and I liked it more, but it was still unfinished and I mentioned that every chance I got. So here's my problem, now it looks like we are going to have to sell this house, and I've realized that what I want more than anything is to live here.....forever. Seriously, I have fallen completely in love with this house, the old and the new, the unfinished and the finished, the thought of renovating it for another 13 years. I LOVE IT!!! I want to live here, die here and have my ashes spread in the back yard (okay, I might be pushing it now, but you get the idea). After all these years of complaining, hoping and even praying for a new house, I am praying for God to just let me stay in this one. I hope he doesn't confuse easily!

I can't imagine living anywhere else but I know in my heart that as long as I have Derek and the kids I'll be fine. (Didn't that sound exactly like what I am supposed to say?) The truth is I know that I'll be fine, but that doesn't stop me from having a near panic attack everytime I think about leaving this place. On my long list of things I feel like I've failed.......being greatful for this house will always be in my top 20. But whether I've failed on not, I believe that God cares about even little unimportant things like this house, and I intend to keep praying until they drag me out of it kicking and screaming.

First Time

This is my first post as a new blogger. I haven't even decided if anyone else will ever read this page, but I guess it's more for my sanity than anything else. I need a place to express myself. To say what I need to say and let it be out there, instead of in here. I have quit my job and now I am trying to figure out what in the world to do next. What is the next step on my journey. I mean I know the next step is to the ballfield or the dirty dishes or the laundry.... but what is MY NEXT STEP. Is there a next step or do I just keep on keeping on and wait until it steps on me? I'm not sure.