Beautiful Girl

This beautiful young woman is growing up faster than I could have imagined possible....sigh.

Update

Once upon a time, on a crisp October day this boy:

Married this girl:

And on October 28th we celebrated 13 years, a lot of joy, also some trials and an suv full of kids! Yeehaw!

On October 31st these ghouls celebrated Halloween:



We had a blast!

On November 1st my husband celebrated his 33rd birthday and my daughter (whose 11) went on her first hunting trip....and after dressing out the deer had to run in, shower, and get ready to cheer for the last football game of the season (she is so well rounded!)


And believe it or not I am leaving tons of activities out. Needless to say it is a busy time of year. Next up, the Holidays!!!

Tag, I Guess I'm It!

Jae tagged me, so here are 6 totally random things about me.

When I was young (but not young enough to justify it) I told everyone that I could speak spanish and play the violin. I even got myself signed up for a fairly serious talent competition in which I was to play the violin (which I could not even sort-of play) until my big sister, who could play the violin, told on me, THANK GOD!


We had a dog when I was little named Mississippi Mud who would split open and eat our watermelons which we were somehow growing in our back yard in the middle of a neighborhood (because we weren't weird enough).

When I was a teenager I had two poems published, one in a local newsletter of some sort and one in a poetry book (which was probably a gimmic, but I didn't care.)

I started college two weeks after I turned 16.... but before you get too impressed, I then fell in love and quit after two semestars... and would do it again..... because I'm still in love.

As a child I really believed I would be a dancer.

When I was 15, I was the co-host of a talk show on the local free channel. It was not for teenagers, but rather discussed deep topics relating to living as a conservative in the present time....I now disagree with many of my then opinions. Oh, and I didn't look 15 not by a long shot, and we never told anyone I was, so hopefully the fact that it was on the free, public access channel kept anyone from listening to me.

I tag cassie

My Trip To Holland

I just finished a paraprofessionals workshop. Sometimes things related to my current job hit a little too close to home.....

This story is one of those things, but instead of being saddened by it, I appreciated the way it verbalizes something I've never been able to. My personal experience with autism.

Welcome to Holland

When you're going to have a baby, it's like you're planning a vacation to Italy. You're all excited. You get a whole bunch of guidebooks, you learn a few phrases in Italian so you can get around, and then it comes time to pack your bags and head for the airport-for Italy.

Only when you land, the stewardess says, "Welcome to Holland." You look at one another in disbelief and shock, saying, "Holland? What are you talking about? I signed up for Italy!"

But they explain there's been a change of plans, and there you must stay. "But I don't know anything about Holland! I don't want to stay!", you say.

But you do stay. You go out and buy some new guidebooks, you learn some new phrases and you meet people you never knew existed. The important thing is that you are not in Italy or some filthy, plague-infested slum full of pestilence and famine. You are simply in a different place than you had planned. It's slower paced than Italy, but after you've been there a little while and have had a chance to catch your breath, you begin to discover Holland has windmills. Holland has tulips. Holland has Rembrandts.

But everyone else you know is busy coming and going from Italy. They're all bragging about what a great time they had there and for the rest of your life you will say, "Yes, that's what I had planned." The pain of that will never, ever go away.

You have to accept that pain because the loss of that dream the loss of that plan, is a very significant loss. But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you will never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

I don't know who wrote that story but I appreciate it.

I've always talked (and blogged) about so many things unabashedly, but for some reason my personal experience with Autism and I mean my really personal experience, the one that happened inside me, has been tucked away in a corner of my mind somewhere and I rarely, if ever, access it. In fact just saying these words fills me with fear. Fear that I will present my feelings incorrectly, fear that my son will read these words someday and think that I resent him, fear that talking about it will make me feel it again. But I think maybe I need to talk about it, to pull the feelings out of the corner and examine them, deal with them, and, most importantly, let others benefit from them. So this story opened the door. It reminded me of the grief that I experienced (when I allowed myself). The nights that I knelt all alone at the foot of his bed while he slept, my fist against my chest, begging God to take it away from him. The knowledge that it wouldn't be taken away, and the overwhelming despair I felt looking down the road I knew we would travel down. There were fears that I never spoke aloud, like fearing he would never speak at all, and that I would never know what he felt or if he was really happy or okay. And the fear that even now, with my son so happy and well-adjusted, that I experience anytime he even has a sort-of bad day. It can be paralyzing. Wondering if we are going backwards, if he will pull out of it. He always does........ but the fear remains.

So for all that I can say that I have learned to enjoy Holland, my son is my windmill, he is my Rembrandt, and I would not trade him for anything. But I also want those in the same situation to understand that the pain is real and okay to feel. A woman I love and respect (who has two severely autistic children) told me once, "You have to soldier on... but every soldier drops their sword sometimes."

My story is a happy one. My son is doing the best he has ever done, exsquisitly is the word I want to use, and maybe it is time to air out my fears and hand my son back to the God I know created him.

Mr. Cool

This guy

may be my favorite all time Television character. The writers for his dialogue must be brilliant. Not only do they come up with hysterical commentary to be spoken between him and his friends, they also completely nail the super genius, quirky, anti-social, but somehow adorable personality of someone with Asberger's Syndrome. I watch him every Monday night on The Big Bang Theory, and laugh until I cry. No, I am not laughing at him, I am laughing with him and every other person who doesn't quite "fit" into the social categories of our world, but instead beautifully creates their own.

Living The Life

I have generally considered myself to be the antonym of organization, although going back to work full time has inspired me to improve. Nothing inspires change quite like absolute necessity. But I have a problem, when the rest of life gets busy, hectic, frankly insane, I slowly shed all the other parts of life that probably still need to be priorities like prayer, scripture, being nice, smiling.... you know little things, choosing instead to completely embrace a robotic existence of shower, coffee, kids, work, dinner, clean, sleep, rinse repeat. This has not proven to be the most positive of changes. I'm getting more done, however, I'm a bitch.

I had literally just sat down to check some emails and scream this post into existence. (Anyone who reads my blog knows that sometimes its where I just air it all out!) When an email from my sister-in-law caught my eye. She forwarded me the post from a man whose sister has an autistic son. It was a beautifully written reminder that life and servanthood are a gift from God, and that the things we do for others and how we handle life, stress and obstacles teaches everyone around us something (I did mention something about being a bitch right?) I constantly tell my kids to have a happy heart, why in the world would they? I don't. I am teaching them to survive life, not live it.

I have faced harder things than my current state of busyness and exaustion, and I did it with much more grace and faith. God is telling me to get a grip and smile. To leave the dishes and hug my kids and to remember that my life is a lesson to those around me but I have to choose what they are being taught.

The Great Election

To be honest, about this time each election year I start to loathe the very thought of presidential anything. Sickened by the mudslinging, and greasy politics, I shirk into political denial giving some lip-service to the candidate of my choice, but mostly hoping that somehow time will speed up and the process will end.

But not this time. While I am not ready to commit 100% to a candidate, for the first time I can remember, I AM EXCITED! This election is groundbreaking, and I can't wait to see the outcome. No matter what the outcome, America is headed for change. The kind of changes that our parents thought unlikely and our grandparents considered unthinkable. I also believe that both candidates, while obviously having different points of view, see the need for a new kind of president and will try to offer that to us.

No matter what happens I intend to wake my children up the day after the election and say, "Guess what? For the first time in the history of America a _________ was elected to the white house, and you are seeing it first hand. You should be proud of your country today."

I can't wait.

Identity Crisis

I'm having an identity crisis....with my blog. I cannot decide what I want it to look like, and I don't have any more time to think about it!

I made it through my first week back at work. The kids made it through their first week back at school (note my complete lack of pictures). The week was very enjoyable. The kids in my class have already touched my heart..... and I am exhausted! But in a good way! (Although I did have two very large beers a few minutes ago.)

The best part of my week has been giving my own kids quick hugs at the water fountain... or a high five in the hallway. They really seemed to make it through their week without the usual midweek meltdowns.

Did I mention that I'm exhausted? 5:00 a.m. sucks, all you morning people have issues... and coffee is my best friend. Amen.

My oldest performed with her cheerleading squad at the Football kickoff this week... and can I just say SHE ROCKS!

My middle started his school therapy and getting some extra help a few times a day and for the first time seems to be responding to school... and telling us about his day. I can't believe the changes I've seen in him just in the last few days!

My baby is so happy about her class and loves her teacher, and has spent her week giving aid to a blind girl in her class. I watched her stand in line at the restrooms letting this little girl feel her hair and face and shoulders and then lead her into the restrooms....I almost cried. Proud doesn't even begin to cover it!

So the week is over. I going to sleep in tomorrow... right after one more beer!

WOW!

I can not believe how proud I am of someone I don't even know. I have yelled and cheered and almost cried in honor of this young man.

He has proven that hard work and determination can rule the day!

My New Look

Inspired by others (Jae and A), I acquired a new look for my blog. It was either change my blog or change my hair.......

My hubby will be so happy with my choice.

Do you remember this commercial?

The unbearably hot days of August (which we have gotten a brief reprieve from), mixed with arguing children, has completely prepared me for the first day of school. I have really enjoyed the summer and had fun with the kids, but it is time for the structure of the school year. (Please revert me to this post when I begin bitching about my overly busy life).

We have bought the supplies,

and will attend open houses this week.

There is one big difference this year from last....I will be going with them. I have been given the opportunity to work full time for the school system as a Teacher's Aid in the self-contained special education room. Nerves, excitement (okay, a little sadness at the thought of summer vacation with the kids being over)....Its all making me a little nutty, but it's time and we are ready, BRING IT ON!

Burn Baby Burn

A fever has been burning its way through my happy home. Last Wednesday afternoon my youngest came to me glassy eyed and flushed and proclaimed "I don't feel good". What followed was two days of utter misery for her as the fever raged and did not respond to medicine. My good friend Ness, had been dealing with the same plague at her house so I was pretty sure it was viral. Then, just as quick as it came it left. Baby girl was a little tired and weak, but not for long and is now 100%. So, as always happens in multiple child homes, my son came to me glassy eyed and flushed and made the proclamation "I don't feel good" and well, you know the rest. He is so sweet when he is sick, telling me over and over again, how much he loves me and how much he loves his family. It makes it 5 times more pitiful. Thankfully he is responding to the fever medicine. My oldest is in cheer camp every afternoon this week and really can't afford to miss it because football season is just around the corner. So hopefully she will stay well.

I'm posting all of this in my usual attempt to maintain sanity, and have discovered that when illness slows our crazy life down, I have way too much time to think. Trust me, I wouldn't even know how to begin to post about whats been going on inside this head of mine, but my hubby did (very lovingly) suggest counseling at one point. I will however, forgo counseling for at least one more week because book club is on Wednesday and we like to follow up with margarita's and girl talk. That should take care of it.

I woke up this morning not feeling well, but am willing myself to be well (wonder how that will work out?)

Slippin' and Slidin'

For my baby girl's 7th birthday my husband (the genius) built a 30 foot slip and slide in our back yard. I was slightly afraid that little girls could be injured on such a magnificent contraption, but after some convincing, I conceded to its use. It proved a wonderful invention and resulted in hours of fun.



Not to be outdone by mere minors my husband and my (uh-hem) pastor decided to try it out for themselves......at this point it got much more interesting......




The stunts escalated until they landed on the "who could get the farthest going down the slip and slide standing up" portion of the games..... the word jackass comes to mind. However they both eagerly began. My husband (who suffers from chronic back and knee pain) didn't make it far, slipped, but managed to come away virtually unscathed. My pastor didn't fare so well.......

..........this is him, trying to recover from a slight concussion. Your welcome Robb.

Disturbing Discovery

For anyone who doesn't know, I am young. Not at all old. However, yesterday I discovered something that disturbed me. Apparently creases in the face are not solely age related but also life-related.

I have two (yes two) deep and not at all symmetrical, lines between my eyes that have made me look like I am perpetually angry. Or deep in thought. so apparently having kids has not only caused me to have stretch marks in places best left unmentioned, but also has left its mark on my face. I say my children because other people of my young age don't have these lines, in fact some of their faces look positively untouched by life.... which I don't want. I want smile lines, and laugh lines and the lines that make it apparent to all that your life has been full and well-lived. I just don't want anger lines, or any lines right now! I realize that this post is completely self-indulgent, but something about looking in that rear view mirror and wondering why
I'm upset, only to remember that I'm not at all upset, really unnerved me. If this is where I am at this young age, where will I be when these lines are actually supposed to appear?

All of this is simply to say that I may be young, but life has left its mark on me.... namely by walking across my face.

Emma Lynn

Introducing my newest niece.... Emma Lynn. She is the cutest little thing I've seen since my own.

There something very odd about my baby brother having a baby. She came into the world via her mama Jada, on June 3rd.

Margaritaville

CONFESSION:

Having a margarita on the rocks and a friend to spill my guts to every now and then, keeps me out of therapy.

The Mountains of Montana

Derek and I went to Montana.... alone..... for six whole days! Ok, it was under the guise of a wedding Derek was in, but it still counts, and we had a great time.


The scenery was beautiful and we encountered snow, a couple of feet of it..... in June! We called the kids and they couldn't believe it, so we took pictures.


We had a wonderful time at the wedding and Derek's long time friend Josh married his sweetheart, Dawn. Derek provided entertainment.



Isn't he hot in a tux! We had a great time, but were very eager to get home to the kids, who met us at the door with snacks and drinks and a "welcome home party". We might take a trip alone again sometime.....years from now.

Shackin' Up

I read The Shack..... in 2 days. It is one of those books you walk away from without really walking away...ever. This book takes your image of God and shakes it up in a wonderful way. It makes you cry and question, and once, slam the book shut and slide it across the floor. It reminds you, or it reminded me anyway, that most of what we do with religion has very little, if anything, to do with God. God is about relationships that was the whole point of Jesus.

Disney World!!!!!!

I know this post is way overdue. I have not exactly known how to post about our vacation to Disney World.... or how to sift through 600 pictures. It was truly the most amazing experience of my life, and even though it would have been fun to go as a kid, there was something so amazing about sharing the experience for the first time with my own kids. Every experience for me while we were there was like experiencing one of my senses for the first time. My children spent eight days seeing and experiencing things that I have waited a lifetime to see and experience. They met the characters from their fantasies, and felt the "magic" that is Disney World in such a fresh and innocent way. It was the stuff dreams are made of and I am so grateful that my family was able to go and have this time together. The pictures I've chosen don't even begin to show you the things we saw. The countries we were able to visit, the smells, sights, sounds and feelings.... but they do show you the joy that is written all over our faces as we encountered these things. The memories we made will be cherished for a lifetime.

A Word about Fathers

First I have to confess that this is a result of reading a highly moving post about a dad this morning. It reminded me of so many things that I appreciate about my father, that I finally decided that it would be ridiculous not to post about it.

My father was born into extreme poverty in South Arkansas in 1947. It is hard to convey the level of simplicity his life held without conjuring up mental pictures crossing somewhere between Old Yeller and Little House on the Prairie. My father's father was born in 1886 (that is not a typo) and had already raised a family and buried his first wife when my father was born. (I am now going to revert to calling him Daddy, because that is what I really call him and it feels too strange to call him father.) The home daddy was born into was a 2-room house with no running water or electricity. His mom cooked on an old cook stove, and his dad plowed with a mule drawn plow. Somewhere in his middle years he and his mom moved to town and his father passed away. Daddy continued the rest of his childhood in relative poverty in South Arkansas and was churched in the Southern Baptist tradition (I'm pretty sure those are the only churches in South Arkansas.) Although my Grandmother was a wonderful person who loved her son dearly, Daddy, for all practical purposes, raised himself through his teenage years.

This seems like the beginning of a sad story but really it is one of amazing determination and strength of character. Because somehow, against all odds and statistics, my daddy rose up, not only finishing high school in a time when many did not, but going to college, and then law school. He somehow completely rose above the circumstances of his childhood and strove for a future.

Something else happened that began a very important part of my daddy's life during this time..... he walked away from God, and claimed instead to be an atheist.

Daddy began a promising career as an attorney, becoming the Public Defender of his city, and running in the right circles. I am told that during this period of time he wore a large leather cowboy hat and smoked giant, fat cigars (I have not found any photographic evidence of this and am forced to believe the storytellers at their word.)

I cannot do the next sequence of events justice, although I've heard them many times. Through a series of what can only be called miraculous events Daddy radically changed his life, giving it over to God completely. He also realized that God had something in mind for him. During this period of time he also married my mom, and began immediately raising a family. He gave up his aspirations of political greatness and instead developed a new one...... being a great father. And he was. I don't remember more than a handful of times that my daddy wasn't home at 5:30 in the evening, sitting down to have dinner with us, asking us about our day. My daddy didn't work on cars or play golf or have other hobbies (all of which are perfectly fine), he instead spent every weekend at home, doing whatever needed doing around our house, and just generally being there. He began a modest law career, to make ends meet, and instead focused on the ministry, pastoring a church for a time, doing some work of a traveling evangelist (always with us in tow), and eventually 15-17 years ago staring a ministry called South Church. South Church feeds and meets the needs of many homeless and impoverished people in our community. Many of the people are mentally ill and generally hard to be around, they call on him at all hours, often showing up at his law office to ask for help, and he helps them..... endlessly. My daddy prayed for me every night of my childhood that I can remember right up to the night prior to my wedding. He then preformed the ceremony, I will cherish that memory always.

As an adult with more understanding of the society I live in, I have reached a new and profound understanding of the love and quiet sacrifice my Daddy made for our family. One of the first things I realized was that Daddy probably didn't prefer driving the old beat up vehicles he always drove downtown to work (where BMW's and Mercedes are the norm), but instead gave up having nice vehicles so that each of his 6 children could have a vehicle of their own. He probably would have liked to have lived in nicer homes, but instead offered each of us financial assistance in getting started in life. He has baptized each of his grandchildren as they have made their own decisions to follow Christ, and his oldest nephew has already decided that his papa is his spiritual hero, traveling and spreading the gospel, even at the age of 17. Daddy has never turned me away when I needed him, and I am in awe.

My daddy's story is one of strength, character and overcoming the things of the world in order to work for a greater, eternal good. Some kids don't have dads, I have a legacy to pass onto my children.

Thank you Daddy.