I'm the big 3-0!!!

Today I am 30....and it doesn't bother me one bit. I am 30 years young.

I awoke today to a very thoughtful gift waiting for me on the kitchen counter (from hubby). Equally thoughtful gifts from my three precious children, along with very funny cards....but the best gift was yet to come.

My wonderful children let me sit, bundled up and read, take an hour long, uninterrupted jacuzzi (mothers everywhere understand the significance of this) and when I came out was met by a home-made birthday cake. Decorated and ready for me.

My oldest daughter, not pictured, made me a perfect cake, put the number 30 on it in toothpicks, and drizzled hot chocolate syrup over it. I told them, meaning it, it was the best cake of my 30 years. My children truly made this a perfect day.

These children of mine

Footprints in the snow tell a story if you'll hear
Of children playing and laughing, innocence without fear
Angels in the snow have snowball wars without pain
Their purity like the powder is white and flawless without stain
The icicles form their kingdom which they rule, and fill with laughter
Endless running, rolling and merry as hearts pitter-patter
They build each snowy man with love and tender care
Without a thought towards the truth; tomorrow he won't be there
In the end red hands and cheeks run inside for warming hugs
Shaking off with smiles as they reach for cocoa mugs
Later as they sleep I look outside and know
Children grow up and they're gone, like footprints melting with the snow.

This Christmas I have truly been blessed. Surrounded by my wonderful family, relatives and friends. The moments that I enjoyed were also bitter sweet. I realized as I looked at my children how quickly it is going. I truly drank them in as I realized that I will blink, and this time will be over.

AAAHHHHHH

My children are out of school for 2 weeks. My husband and I are finally spending some much needed snuggle time together. The five of us are breathing in the incredible feel of the Christmas season. We have shopped together, we have wrapped together, we have cooked together, played together, watched tv together. This is the reason I love Christmas. It is like my family enters into this bubble of peace. We all feel a little happier, sleep a little deeper, love a little stronger......

I have a feeling this will be one of the years I look back on as the best.

Merry Christmas everybody....God bless you and yours.

Some things are too true to be funny

My husbands cousin, who has three children, had this forwarded to several people.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Mom's letter to Santa:

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children
on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two
cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school
playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on
the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows
when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple,
which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are
strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the
grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of
my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint
resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't
broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with
a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the
phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy"
to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and
three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power
tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the
living room" and "Take your hands off your brother," because my voice
seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the
dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time
to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of
eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a
Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten
the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a
vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if
you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding
payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet
under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe
trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry
off so you don't catch cold.

Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave
crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

MOM...

P.S. One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my
children young enough to believe in Santa.

Prayer

I have been struggling for a while.... a long, long while, with my prayer life.

Prayer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, every time I start to pray a blockage occurs. And I don't mean a momentary inability to focus; I mean a complete shutdown of all mental capacities. The most keen awareness of the presence of the ceiling, and of my unworthiness to try and penetrate it for the purpose of my own supplication. So for years the struggle has raged on, silently. Even as I have continued to say, "I'll pray for you" knowing it might have been a lie.

Yesterday the dam broke. Everywhere I turned, every phone call I made, every person I ran into, every blog I read, every situation in life, screamed PRAY! So finally I did. I just prayed. I laid it all out, I thanked Him, I told Him, I begged Him. And in the process I somehow remembered that He really doesn't care about how I feel when I pray, He just wants to hear from me. And yes, the ceiling is still there and I am still ridiculously unworthy. But I am going to pray anyway.

Isn't it funny how I always return to the basics?

Jesus loves me this I know.

Rock On

Sometimes the outfit makes the girl......


Sometimes the girl makes the outfit!

Rock on girlfriend!!

Christmas Spirit

The trees up, the shopping is started, the kids are excited....what's missing. It could be Christmas spirit, if I let it. Like in many situations I have the power to set the mood for Christmas at my house. Not by having the most beautiful decorations or the most expensive gifts.... but by intentionally enjoying the season with my family. And you can do this whether you work or stay at home or whatever your situation is; by doing some things that tell your kids you love Christmas.

Make hot cocoa and pop in a Christmas movie.

After dinner, jump in the car for a look at the local Christmas lights.

Play Christmas songs on your way to take them to school.

Read Christmas books.

(My sister-in-law wrapped her refrigerator in Christmas wrapping paper!)

A friend of mine recently blogged about finally realizing that it is okay to celebrate... that God is okay and smiles upon times of celebration. Realize that, get the bah humbug out of your butt, and enjoy Christmas. It won't kill you, and it will make the memories soooo much better for your kids.

I'm done, its precarious on this soapbox.

Spriritual Journal (part 1)

Several years ago I was challenged by a longtime family friend to begin a journal of my spiritual markers. I started, but like many things did not follow through. I am now going to share what I wrote and hopefully add to it regularly. This will be an ongoing, if not occasional process.

Spritual Journal (part 1)

My first spiritual marker (at least the first one I remember) was from the time I was around 7 or 8 years old. I was "heavily burdened" by shame and guilt over my childish sins. My mother sat in our living room with me at her knees and listened to the confessions of a child. Then she cupped her hands in front of her and told me to put my sins into them. I did, she then lifted her hands toward heaven and released them. Then she told me that I did not have to feel guilty over these things anymore because we had given them to God!

What a perfect picture of grace. No matter how "spiritually mature" I become, this lesson is the one I return to in my darkest hour.


I remember being a 14 years old and attending a church service at a local church. I was not there for any spiritual reason. I think it was more of a "social" reason (in other words a guy). Towards the end of the service (which I'm sure I paid little to no attention to), the pastor asked if anyone would like prayer for healing. For some reason I decided to respond. I had recently been told, after a routine school screening, that I had the signs of scoliosis, a curvature of the spine, that can cause endless years of struggle and medical difficulties. One of the telltale signs was that, when stretched out in front of me, one of my arms was at least 1 1/2 inches longer than the other one.

I had known this pastor my entire life, he was a friend of my parents, and there was nothing extraordinary about him. Without any hoopla, purple tuxedos, or screaming and wailing, he placed his hand gently on my head and prayed a simple prayer. I don't even remember the prayer, it was not noticeably powerful. When he finished praying, I thanked him, and turned, intending to return to my seat. The pastor smiled and asked me if I would like to look at my arms again. I stretched them out in front of me and found them to be exactly the same length.

I have never undergone any treatments for scoliosis of any type. After that day I never had an irregular result from a screening or any other complication or condition resulting from this.

I don't know why God chose to heal me that day. Maybe He just wanted to remind me of His power, maybe it wasn't for me at all, but someone else whose faith needed strengthening. But He did it, and it reminded me of his awesome power and of how real he really is.

I remember being 14 years old and meeting a good looking guy. We were at the mall and I was introduced to him by a mutual friend. I had no idea at the time, that this moment would end up being one of the most significant in my life. But God knew, He knew that night that he was giving a self-absorbed kid a glimpse into the rest of her life.

He's all dimples

He's all dimples. This picture is my new fav. This is a baby I know and love, and will bribe on prom night.

Crafty....er..not

Tried to Mrs. Suzie Homemaker this week and do an ornament craft with the kiddos. Here is what ensued.

The store sold this kit as a great ornament making craft for the fam....whatever. I managed to figure out what was needed for each ornament (wire cutters, wire bending tools etc.), Then sorted through approx. 5,0000 beads of various maddening sizes. Got the kids to slowly and maticulously make the correct arangment for the torture devices....I mean ornaments, at which time they ran from the table as fast as they could. I however could not be deterred. So I spent the next 2-hours making these ornaments from hell with only my youngest daughter at my side (because she finaly began ignoring me and making them however she wanted to..smart kid.) So 2 hours later I had: a chipped tooth (couldn't find wire bending tool), a metal sliver in my finger, had taught my children several new words.....and 24 beaded ornaments.....Merry Freakin' Christmas!!

Fraaaaaazled Woman

Hubby has been out of town 5-weekends in a row. I am ready for a husband (and more importantly father-to-my-children). He has done it only as an act of service to his family.....but......we are both ready for some normalicy. Oh ya, did I mention I hosted Thanksgiving for 42 people (that is not a typo). Found out the day before Thanksgiving! But pulled it off with LOTS of help from my sister. My kids have been home for a week, but return tomorrow....I love public school!!!!!!

So now that that's over....it is time for CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!! Let the games begin!

I'm Back!!!!!

Sorry it has been a while. I can't believe how out of touch I feel when I'm not blogging.

School has started, the kids are doing GREAT this year. I am going through a quarter-life crisis. My husband says the very fact that I'm calling something a quarter-life crisis means that I'm having one. I'm sort of looking for a job but not working yet. I'm trying to get my house ready to sell....that's fun. Life's just kind of going on around me and I keep trying to find a good jumping in point.

Halsey cheered at her first game and loved it, and so far has straight A's this quarter. Derek is reading and doing well in spelling and math. Sadie is doing great in school and reading really well. Big Derek is still doing what he always does, you know jumping over tall buildings in a single bound etc.....So here I am behind the scenes watching with pride, wondering how it all is happening so fast.....

No matter how many times well meaning elderly people say it to you, it just doesn't sink in......they grow up so fast.

Time to get back to it. Whatever "it" is.

Can I just say that buying school supplies is getting annoying....seriously. I have spent upwards of $200.00 on school supplies and lunch boxes and backpacks.....for public school! That doesn't even begin to cover clothes. Back to school is a very expensive time of year.

I think I'm looking forward to the first day of school this year. Unlike last years emotional breakdown. Maybe this year it won't take me a month to get used to it.

Oh....my new favorite quote from the blogesphere:

Every time a new blog is started a therapist loses its wings!!

Camping in August (cont.)

We survived camping in August, we really enjoyed it. These pics are of the day we spent on the lake. The kids did not get out of the lake for about 5 hours.

Camping in August!!!!

Halsey's Baptism

Halsey came home a couple of weeks ago and told us that she had been saved. Halsey had expressed for years (since she was about 5 years old), that she wanted a personal relationship with Jesus. After this last experience we knew it was time....and asked her if she was ready to be baptized. She said yes. So on Wednesday, August 8, she was baptized by her Grandpa B., at the home of her Grandma and Grandpa S., with her aunts and uncles, Grandparents from both sides and her Great Grandma J. (from South Dakota) present. It was a wonderful experience.

It is a deeply spiritual thing to be surrounded by your family while your child commits her life to Christ.

Derek and I could not be prouder of Halsey. She is a wonderful example of why the Bible compels us to have the faith of a child.

The Sisterhood

I have a new sisterhood, its name is book club.

In all my comings and goings over the years, I have been associated (loosley or otherwise), with many different groups of women. And with the exception of my one or two very close friends, I have put on a ridiculous show for all of them. I have worn masks and clown make-up, dressed up and put on costumes and done many, many tap dances, all in the name of being whoever those people around me needed me to be. This summer for the first time. I am in a group with women who just want to be real. All of us. With all of our unadulterated ugliness. Many a week I drag myself to book club, only to find that somewhere in the few hours I spend with these women, a weight is lifted from me.....Then today it hit me. This is what the Bible is talking about when it says to bear each others burdens! Take each others pain as our own, climb into a pity party mud hole, sit among the ashes together and tend each others wounds. There is an amazing healing that begins to take place when we are willing to speak the truth about a situation in our lives, instead of pretending our life is perfect. My friend put it best when she said, "When you speak something it makes it real, when it is real you have to deal with it."

The funny thing about this group of women, is that from the outside we don't look like a group that would mesh at all! Different family and religious backgrounds. A span of ages that includes a couple of decades. No socioeconomic comparison. It really should not be working, but it is and it is miraculous in its ability to do so.

God knows where I've been and where I'm not sure I'll ever come back from. But He also knew exactly what this group of women needed at this point in time....and He honored our need. All it took was a desperate group of worn-out women, sick of playing the games and ready to get real, whether it gained us friends or not, and what it did was gain us a sisterhood, called book club.

Oh yeah, we occasionally talk about a good book too.

Derek's lookalike

Tonight we had the wonderful experience of meeting Derek's biological uncle, Bill. He is a long-haul truck driver who makes a weekly run from California to Pennsylvania and back. We met him, with our kids, at a stop he made about 60 miles from where we live. Can you see the family resemblance!?!

Miscellaneous Ramblings

Yesterday, as I was dealing with some very difficult situations, God reminded me of his ability to use any circumstance to draw me close to him.

Update from yesterday: I made a list of goals. They aren't much, but it is a step in the right direction.

I have discovered the most amazing new hobby. Urban exploration....or looking at pictures and reading about other people's urban exploration. There is something amazing, creepy and surreal about looking at old abandoned buildings, theme parks, and homes.....especially the homes. Shells of a past existence, with little hidden reminders of the life once lived inside. I am going to find a way to write about this more extensively. I am researching these old houses on almost a daily basis right now, and every time I do, there is something about them that draws me in more......The house pictured above is call Mudhouse Mansion, it is in Ohio.

What is next?

Lets see, Derek and I drove to South Dakota (9+ hours) stayed one day and drove back (9+ hours) last weekend. We hosted a small group cookout for 25 people (small group?), on Friday......This may be part of the reason I haven't blogged, or at least it is going to be my excuse.

It is time to decide whether or not I should go back to work. Or maybe It's just time to become motivated again. To make some life decisions and plow forward towards a goal. It is time for me to take some risks, leave my comfort zone, and do something completely new, or at least something I can succeed in doing.

My heart is still in being a mom. The problem is (as previously blogged about), I am not a supermom. So what is next, no really I'm asking.....what is next? Any thoughts?

Sadiebug

MY BABY IS 6!!!!!!

What could be more fun than a new bikini, your best friend, a sprinkler, and mud......getting your ears pierced!!! Happy birthday to my baby....Sadie.

Transformers (more than meets the eye)

Transformers-my son saw the movie....sat through the entire 3 hours, and came home with his eyes the size of silver dollars, proclaiming that he had just seen the BEST MOVIE EVER!!!

Our church is doing a series on "Transforming Your Life" and it has me spending more than a little time contemplating such things. I have realized that everyone (not jut my son and his peers) are obsessed with Transformers. (My pastor, Robb, is obsessed with them too....but he also hears voices...I'm just saying.)

What is it about transformation that has our society so well....transfixed. Look at the reality shows. Extreme Makeover Home Edition. Extreme Makeover. What Not To Wear. 10 Years Younger and more. The idea that someone can take our poor pitiful selves (or poor pitiful homes) and turn them into something amazing, beautiful, younger looking, or brand new, invigorates us and quite frankly, I think, gives us hope. None of us (least of all myself) want to face the thought that we have come as far as we are going to, that we are done growing and changing or that this (right now right here) is all there is. So we see the transformations that are possible and hope that we too might be transformed. I would contend, however, that the transformation that we are all so obsessed with is actually caused by a much deeper need. The need for inner transformation. The need to know their is something greater than poor pitiful me and the mistakes I constantly make. The need for fulfillment and love and well.....peace.

As I have listened to the teaching on Transformation one thing has become abundantly clear. I am going to be transformed....the question is who or what am I going to let do the transforming.

I am not a loner!!!!

In a society filled with amazing single mothers I have made an important discovery.......I AM NOT A SINGLE MOM!!!!! I understand that under strenuous circumstances that I could pull it off.....but I don't want to try. My husband has been gone, working out-of-town, for 4 weekends in a row. That means that he has worked endless weeks, followed by LOOOOONG weekends of not seeing him or even speaking to him. Don't get me wrong I appreciate his willingness to work himself silly...but I have definitely discovered that single parenting is not a life style I want to try long term. This dawned on me about the time I decided to run away and join the circus, whch fell curiously close to the point at which my children were completely DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!

However, now that I have gone and checked on them (sleeping soundly in their rooms), and had 1...er maybe 2, (3), glasses of wine. I am remembering what complete angles they are and looking forward to tomorrow.....because that is when my husband comes home!!!!

I have a new and profound respect for these woman who do it all. And will proudly announce that I am not one of them!

A Real Man

As I look around at our society I realize that there are not many real men left. There are strong men, sensative men, metrosexual men.....etc. But I question how many are real men. Here's what I mean.

I know a man who can make you laugh until you cry. He cried when his children were born. He has worked his body almost to death to provide for his family. He has never threatened to leave his wife. This man has never called his wife a name. This man has coached T-ball and skipped with a line of purple clad players across the field in the name of "keeping it fun". This man has never turned down someone who needed his help. This man poured his body and soul into building his dream house.....and then got on his knees, telling God to use it for His glory.....even if that meant someone else should have it. This man has given up things he wanted, and needed, to provide Christmas presents for his children. This man has cried over his daughter's bad day. This man regularly drives in the middle of the night to pick up a child who changed their mind about a sleepover. This man slipped a rolled-up $100.00 bill to a young waitress because he knew she didn't have much money. He has loved the same woman for 13 years, even though she was sometimes unlovable. This man loves to talk to his kids on the phone. He taught his son how to pee in a uranal. He is my hero.

I have a real man.

I awoke this morning with the grandest of intentions. Grocery shopping, buying the last roll of wallpaper I need for the bathroom. Finishing the wallpaper. Doing laundry, getting the kids ready for their evening of softball....I really felt as though I had it all together. (I had even planned what I needed for gatherings on the 4th of July....oh yeah, I was doing that good.)

Sadie woke up and began whining really, really whining...about everything....constantly. Halsey woke up tired and grumpy. Derek, who is usually such a morning person, didn't want to eat much breakfast and then stood in the livingroom floor, on the carpet of course, and threw up, and threw up and threw up.

Oh well, there is always tomorrow.

Mommy Dearest

On any given day my thoughts go something like this:
Are my kids eating right? Watching too much TV? Getting enough culture? Getting a good enough education? Will they go to college? Will they marry? Will they have kids? Is my son developing on track? Is my daughter making the right friends? Is my baby girl growing up too fast because of her siblings? Am I disciplining my children correctly? Often enough? Too often? Should I change the music the kids listen to? Do the kids have enough clothes? Do the kids not have enough clothes? Are the shows on TV hurting them psychologically? Am I hurting them psychologically? Are they going to be in therapy because of their childhood? Am I going to be in therapy because of their childhood?..........

This goes on and on and on, in my head, it is not healthy.

Does anyone else have this mom they want to be but never quite are? We all know this woman I'll call her super-bitch ...er....mom....supermom. She selflessly gives her life to her children. Drives all the carpools, has all the friends over to her house (and they love her), has been homeroom mom for every class her children have ever been in, always brings drinks to the ball park....for everyone. When you go to her house it is always clean (no matter the time of day), and the TV is never on. When your kids go to sleepovers at her house they come home (reluctantly) and tell you that she built a fort with them, did a craft with them and let them cook, she never yelled and had breakfast ready when they woke up!! This woman must have her make-up tattood on becuase she's never been seen not wearing any and the pants she wears over her sorry size six ass are never wrinkled!!

Needless to say I am not this woman. I definately yell, I can be caught regularly without make-up, I try not to iron if I can help it, I am a terrible house keeper and my mothering skills.....well that's something I'm just not sure about. I am NOT supermom. I do love my children. I also yell at them some, get sick of them, pray for bedtime to arrive, and sometimes (okay regularly) say NO to things without any real reason. But according to the crazy thoughts that run a constant threat on my sanity, I think about my kids, their wellbeing and their future all the time. I think this at least makes me a loving mom. As I was pondering these things I found something I wrote several years ago. I must have been having a wonder-if-I'm-a-good-mom day:


There are no great mothers.
There are no great heros.
No perfect supermoms who never lose their temper or have a bad hair day.
There are no great women who manage to balance life perfectly.
No moms who never break down, cry, or even scream.
There are no great days.
Days that go perfectly without a catch or glitch.
There are no perfect houses.
There is always a dirty corner hiding somewhere.
No, there are no perfect mothers, just a perfect Christ who can do amazing things through the available.


I am going to keep worrying about my kids, and being available to my kids. I'm also going to pray that their future Therapists' are mom's too.

Broken

Lord, when the anxiety build within me
Can I still praise you?
When the storm hits will I turn my back?
I start to fall forward and am caught up in your arms
My obedience is lacking, I thought you had left me.
But no your there, a breath away,
Awaiting my stumbling steps, my flailing arms.
So you can steady me, a sobbing heap, a broken vessel.
Just so you can wipe my tears, finding that last shred of hidden strength,
You gather the pieces and prove me wrong,
Delighting on each shredded piece, as your Spirit guides them back together.

This is shy little Halsey and her friends Jessica and McKenzie dancing in this year school talent show. They ROCK!!

In the same week Derek & Sadie graduated from kindergarden!

Me Practicing Putting Pics on my Blog

this is my precious son, I am learning how to put pics on my blog!!

This Old House

I have lived in the same house for nearly 13 years. I have hated it for at least 11 or 12 of those. It is old and impossible to ever be done renovating. I've painted every room in the old part of the house at least 3 times, and never gotten the desired effect. I have bitched and complained and wished and prayed for a new house. A couple of years ago we put a big addition on the house, and I liked it more, but it was still unfinished and I mentioned that every chance I got. So here's my problem, now it looks like we are going to have to sell this house, and I've realized that what I want more than anything is to live here.....forever. Seriously, I have fallen completely in love with this house, the old and the new, the unfinished and the finished, the thought of renovating it for another 13 years. I LOVE IT!!! I want to live here, die here and have my ashes spread in the back yard (okay, I might be pushing it now, but you get the idea). After all these years of complaining, hoping and even praying for a new house, I am praying for God to just let me stay in this one. I hope he doesn't confuse easily!

I can't imagine living anywhere else but I know in my heart that as long as I have Derek and the kids I'll be fine. (Didn't that sound exactly like what I am supposed to say?) The truth is I know that I'll be fine, but that doesn't stop me from having a near panic attack everytime I think about leaving this place. On my long list of things I feel like I've failed.......being greatful for this house will always be in my top 20. But whether I've failed on not, I believe that God cares about even little unimportant things like this house, and I intend to keep praying until they drag me out of it kicking and screaming.

First Time

This is my first post as a new blogger. I haven't even decided if anyone else will ever read this page, but I guess it's more for my sanity than anything else. I need a place to express myself. To say what I need to say and let it be out there, instead of in here. I have quit my job and now I am trying to figure out what in the world to do next. What is the next step on my journey. I mean I know the next step is to the ballfield or the dirty dishes or the laundry.... but what is MY NEXT STEP. Is there a next step or do I just keep on keeping on and wait until it steps on me? I'm not sure.