I have been struggling for a while.... a long, long while, with my prayer life.
Prayer has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. However, in recent years, every time I start to pray a blockage occurs. And I don't mean a momentary inability to focus; I mean a complete shutdown of all mental capacities. The most keen awareness of the presence of the ceiling, and of my unworthiness to try and penetrate it for the purpose of my own supplication. So for years the struggle has raged on, silently. Even as I have continued to say, "I'll pray for you" knowing it might have been a lie.
Yesterday the dam broke. Everywhere I turned, every phone call I made, every person I ran into, every blog I read, every situation in life, screamed PRAY! So finally I did. I just prayed. I laid it all out, I thanked Him, I told Him, I begged Him. And in the process I somehow remembered that He really doesn't care about how I feel when I pray, He just wants to hear from me. And yes, the ceiling is still there and I am still ridiculously unworthy. But I am going to pray anyway.
Isn't it funny how I always return to the basics?
Jesus loves me this I know.
3 comments:
I feel you on this.
in the absence of my all-consuming worry, I find I have a lot more time on my hands. I asked God what to do with it and was absolutely astounded by the blandness of the answer...
"You could talk to me."
huh. what a novel idea.
You inspire me.
Yeah- that "I'll pray for you" thing- Whenever I say that to someone (and it seems like it is always via phone or email for some reason), I immediately DO SO as soon as I hang up or sign off. It might be a 10 second send up - but I feel much better about saying "I'll pray for you" when I know I'm really gonna do it!
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